The Convo Between Us

I wrote something crazy...not that crazy but weirdly crazy. I was sitting alone, sad and in despair. Tired from work and feeling hopeless about the future. My future. I noticed something...the thoughts of hopelessness were not the only voices in my head,there was another voice...a hopeful one and boy,the bickering was intense. I took a paper and a pen and decided to follow through this conversation that seemed to be happening within me.

I will call one, soul and the other spirit. The body might join the conversation at a later date but for now please sit down and hear what these two had to say to each other...

Spirit: Hey boo
Soul: Hey, what's up?
Spirit: Nothing, just checking up on you. Are you okay? You look so down and defeated.
Soul: What do you think? Of course I feel defeated...life is so hard and I am tired. I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am.
Spirit: Please tell me...I want to hear about it. I am all ears.
Soul: Why should I? You are already a part of me...you know everything that's going on. Why should I repeat it. In fact leave me alone I want to get some rest.
Spirit: Hey! You don't have to dismiss me like that. Yes I am a part of you but you really don't let me in😔 You fester emotions and battle everything within yourself,you don't let me in and when you do, you are always in a hurry to sit long enough with me. You know I love you and I am a part of you. All I want is to be a part of you. We are three of us, can we at least try to exist together codependently. Where is body even? She seems quiet lately...
Soul: Oh boy, she has her own issues going on. Worried too. But I don't have time to think about her...I have my own demons to fight.
Spirit: I want to know what you're going through. Haven't we been through it all and still overcome?? Why then does this weigh you down. Tell me everything, I am actually going to stay here until you do...so you better start speaking.
Soul: You know, this is my problem with you...this right here...
Spirit: What's my problem?
Soul: You don't know when to shut it and leave me the heck alone.
Spirit: Oh...now you want to divert from the real issue, I am not having it. Start speaking.
Soul: About what exactly? It's pretty much the same stuff. Same cross, same pain, same problems. Nothing new. Leave me alone now.
Spirit: It's not the same if the pain keeps burdening you. Talk to me. Please.  We need to realign and go get body. She needs us too and her comeback is very much determined by how well we come together. I miss us. The 3 trio against the world!
Soul: I told you not to call us the 3 trio. What a dumb nickname. It's called being...her being. Something aesthetic, cute and fashionable...
Spirit: Okayyy miss fashionable, I've heard you loud and clear. I love 3 trio though. It's lovely and it's closer to the Trinity. Our God. We are made in his image so I think my nickname is more divine.
Soul: Don't get preachy with me now. I think me and God have a beef going on...we are not in talking terms if you must know.
Spirit: God forbid such a thing! You know that's not true. We spent time with him in the morning during prayer... remember?
Soul: You did. I don't think it translated to me. I am so anxious about my life, career and everything. What pains me most is fighting to believe God is good to me and he hasn't failed me because somehow deep down I believe he failed me. And it hurts to believe that because I love him. It hurts to want to trust, to cast down your burdens, to lean on him and surrender yet the burden of my reality weighs me down. I am tired. So tired of this life. I want it to be easy and soft even for a tiny bit...just one season but it seems like God takes me from one hard season to another and I am weary. When does it ever end? When does it get better? When do prayers truly get answered and when do I finally rest and live in the prayers I have sowed in tears? You know I have even blamed myself...maybe I am not working as hard, maybe I don't hear him right, maybe I delay obeying him, maybe I am not meant for more in this life...maybe his purpose for my life was to suffer. Why do I have to want so much more for myself if I can't have it. I am tired of searching, waiting and hoping he can make it easier for me. I even started desiring a soft life. Softness. Ain't no gangsta left in me I promise. That's how hard life got. You don't understand how hard it is, how I fight not to lose my mind. When does it get better. This road is too hard for me. (Sobs quietly)
Spirit: Can I hug you... come hear my dear( opens her arms for soul) what hurts most? Please tell me, I want to hear it.
Soul: My career. My finances. The constant no I have had to hear even from God. The not knowing and living in survival mode always. Is it too much to want a job I love and enjoy doing. To have a holistic kind of work life balance. Why does work have to consume every bit of my time. I no longer dance and it hurts. Writing too feels alien. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I want a life I love living. Where I am currently is killing me.
Spirit: I know how you feel and I want you to know I see you. God does too and he has no beef with you babygirl. Never had and never will. Hey look at me (holds her face with both hands to stare at her eyes) What if it's so hard because what God is preparing you for is far much bigger and better than what you could've thought or imagined.
Soul: (Slaps her hands away) Don't do that. Don't get preachy or motivational with me. You will only make me feel worse not better.
Spirit: I am not getting preachy or motivational babe...I am telling you the truth. Please hear me out.
Soul: Hearing you won't change how I feel or take my burdens away. Neither will it make my life better. I only wanted to be alone,you forced me to speak and I did. I think we are done here. At this point you are forcing issues, you can't save me...stop trying to.
Spirit: I am not trying to save you. Only Jesus can and he already did. It's my job as your best friend to not allow you give up on yourself.
Soul: Woah...hold that thought right there miss. Who made you my best friend? I don't remember giving you that position. Kimbelembele itakumaliza one day.
Spirit: I will pretend I didn't hear that...you are mad and tired, that's okay. Back to the issue at hand...babe...I can't allow you to give up on yourself especially when it's about to get better. Remember how far we've come, you can't give up now. There is so much more life has to offer us. So no!  You don't get to give up on yourself.You are healing and you are still blooming even in this hard seasons. Okay let me ask you one question.
Soul: I swear I am so sick of you. I could strangle you right now...okay ask.
Spirit: What did God say?
Soul: Huh? I don't know...he says alot of things. Which one specifically?
Spirit: What does he say about you? What does he keep repeating to you over and over again.
Soul: Oh... Jeremiah 29:11-12 I think...
Spirit: Say the words out loud not just the verse.
Soul: Are you kidding me? You are being difficult, can't I just sulk in peace? My goodness. It's not like anything will change.
Spirit: Are you sure about that? Then why not say it and get done with it? I promise I will leave you alone after this.
Soul: Promise?
Spirit: Yes! Dang...do I piss you off that much?
Soul: You have no idea... but anyway God tells me  that he knows the plans he has for me, plans for my welfare and not for evil. To give me a future and a hope... and if I seek him I will find him. If I seek him with all my heart he shall be found by me and he will restore all my fortunes and deliver me from all the places he sent me into exile.
Spirit: Your exile is this wilderness you have experienced in your career. He had to break this idol so that you could finally heal and be open to becoming the woman he created you to be, not the woman trauma and pain forced you to become. The version of you that held on to her career and ambition with tight fists is finally healing and it's time to let go baby... let it all go. You are free to be whoever God planned for you to be in this life and it is far much better than anything you could have ever formed or designed yourself. It carries glory and his divine presence. Your career matters to God and he cares so much about it. So does your ambition. He knows how your brain works. He knows what you want and how bad you want it and he knows you feel that the very thing you wanted is the very thing he denied you and keeps making you suffer in this area but know this, he had to break that idol because it would have destroyed you. He needed to heal the trauma behind you holding on dearly to your career. He needed to heal your mother wounds Catherine...
Soul: Please don't go there...I can't go back there... I can't.
Spirit: And he knows baby. He knows. That's why he is healing you from all of it. God has healed you from so many things. Remember you first knew him as a healer... and guess what? He is still healing you and making you whole in every place. From every pain and wound that has marred you since you came into this world. Your career matters to him so much but so does your why. So does your heart. He is healing you so that when he finally establishes and restores you...so many people will be restored healed and delivered from your story and they will trust in God again. So don't give up on him. He knows trusting him is hard no matter how much you try to. He is not asking you to try...he is asking you to invite him in the hardness of it all...let him suffer with you and for you...he didn't just do it on the cross. He is still doing it everyday because now he lives in you. Let him cry with you. Let him see the mess ,the anger and the bitterness. Let him in and let him go through it with you. His yoke is so much lighter and gentle. And when he restores you...baby you will smile...
Soul: Oh my God...I can't believe this. Thank you dear. All this while God has been for me and not against me like I thought. Thank you ( sobs in her hands) Could you please sit with me for a while as I process all this. I am speechless and so much lighter.
Spirit: Of course I will sit here with you. I was never going to leave you. You thought I would? Huh! (wraps her arms around soul's shoulder and pats her)

They both gaze in each other's eyes then towards the sky. The night was still young and the stars looked small from where they sat... yet they still shone. Maybe tonight, they act as a symbol that I will shine too...so bright in every room I step into because his light is in me. Truly God is good..I wonder what heaven looks like. But for now we have each other and him in us... that sounds like heaven to me.