Finding My Way Back

 It’s been long since I showed up here,honestly and fully. Months even…let’s say life kept happening. I lost my love for writing, I longed for it but something disappeared in the heat of survival. When all I could think about was getting through the next day and the next and the next…

I know we are all familiar with that feeling. Writing became something I would do to get things off my chest, journalling my emotions…that’s what we call it. But it was never a place I showed up only to get things off…no it was more than that. It was a place I went to be. To feel and to seek solace and comfort. My sacred place…and when I share these notes, it is always an invitation for you my dear reader to be in this place with me and sometimes…well most times we invite Jesus too. How sweet…

Today I am going to let you in, I want to invite you into my current season of life, I want you to know me more deeply, see my struggles and maybe just maybe you will feel seen too. The last couple of months have been brutal. I wish it was a writer’s block that is somehow easier but it was more than that, it is feeling tired to do the very thing you love doing because your whole being is busy surviving…coping and trying not to sink in the waters. It is trying to believe God is good when everything around you makes you question if he is really good. It is trying to be there for others when you are failing desperately to be there for yourself…It is wiping tears everyday and more keeps flowing. That is hard than a writer’s block. Because your body is trying its best to cope and your mind is struggling to remain sane, your cup is too empty to pour out. My past articles felt like a mockery…I couldn’t read them and if you must know… I am the biggest fan of my work, I read my own articles so many times because they encourage me. This year even that was hard.

So I stopped writing. I longed to share this gift God gave me and remain obedient but I was also honest with myself. I need a breather, I don’t have the capacity to do it. I took my questions to God and remained in his embrace…still do but there is a different level of intimacy you come to and a different level of love you receive from God when you see how empty you are. Like “God, I am struggling to love you in this season, I don’t even think I want you like I used to, I have nothing to offer you, not even a praise.” Yet I kid you not, the way his love and peace sips through you feels like a warm embrace. Let me share one story in particular. Just a random day God showed me how much he loves me.

I always love spending time with God in his word and in this season that time has looked pretty different. I can’t do it in the morning because I am rushing to get to work so evenings work best for me. Sometimes though I come back so tired so beaten up physically mentally spiritually all I want to do is doom scroll then fall asleep. Yes that’s my bad habit when I want to numb them feelings. I really hate it because I end up feeling ten times worse and more overwhelmed because of the content overload.

This particular day was so hard for me. I kept wondering how long I will have to go through hard seasons. I just want ease God that’s it. I didn’t want to go to him but he kept pulling at my heart. So I went to our secret place and sat there staring at the wall. My thoughts ran rampant and my body was tired. I didn’t even want to pray so I lay on my bed. I thought that was it but God kept nudging me to sleep like I was facing him…forward…it’s like he was telling me to sleep at his feet. I ignored that feeling for a few seconds but it kept getting stronger so I turned and slept in the direction I face when praying. I lay there, saying nothing. Something shifted, I could feel his warm embrace, like I was not alone and I cried a river. It’s like everything I was holding back was released and I cried. His warmth kept sipping in and I felt at peace lying there.

It’s like he was telling me, even when you don’t feel like praying or spending time with me I still love you and I still want you here with me. Do not shut me out. Let me in. I lay there wondering how even our secret time with God could be performative where we think we must pray read the word praise him, declare his word and all these things are good but if we are truly honest with ourselves sometimes it’s hard to do them, sometimes it’s hard to pray and read his word, sometimes our soul is weary. Do we still show up and force ourselves to do them because we think that is how we invite his presence. Have we missed the point entirely?

That night revealed something to me, intimacy with God is me showing up in my humanity…fully hiding nothing from him. Sometimes our secret time with God will look like you laying on your bed with your Bible closed beside you, with tears falling from your eyes uncontrollably and with one question in your mind, “ God why?” I am here to tell you even that is sacred before God and his presence is just as heavy as it is when you are so fired up in your faith and declaring who he is boldly.

Your light still shines even when life is crushing you darling and I came here not because everything is better or easier but because these few months have shown me a different side of God I never knew. I got to know his steadfast love that endures forever. Oh yes it actually endures and the word steadfast means firm, loyal and unchanging. The love of God is firm and it never changes even when seasons change and we change because we are bound to change. He knew a season will come where your love for him will be tested greatly, where you will doubt him, where you will not want him like you used to, where you will fall…yet he still allowed it because he knew his steadfast love will hold you in place.

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Every great person we see in the Bible had their fair share of hard seasons that crushed them. Hannah had a season where she cried to God for a child with her cowife mocking her. David had seasons where he hid in caves for fear of Saul and wandered from one nation to another. His psalms show us the highs and lows of his seasons. Elijah hid and wanted to die after God used him greately to show his power before false gods, yet God still met him there. Peter denied Jesus three times, lost all hope and went back to fishing yet Jesus still pursued him after he resurrected and did he not use him to build his church and fulfill his purpose? I am telling you the same Peter that doubted God while walking on water raised a dead woman back to life. The spirit of God was so heavy in his life. Talk of Gideon the fearful man who God used to deliver the Israelites from seven years of oppression in the hands of the Midianites. God shows his power and might through us, not because we will always be perfect or faithful but because even when we’re not his love is still unconditional and steadfast.

Hard seasons don’t disqualify us they ground us more firmly in him…

So yes… I am happily back here, to encourage you, to pray for you and to let you know it is okay, I see you and I want you to know God still loves you, he still cares and he is inviting you back to himself. I know you doubt if he is truly good to you, if he cares for you, I know you feel forgotten by him like he failed you but please know he hasn’t and he’ll never. His word remains true forever. Come on take your Bible and go to him, go where you always go to spend time with your father. Tell him Jesus I am back messed up broken tired but back here because someone kept saying how much you love me…I don’t really believe it but I am here, please show me your love and I promise you he is already there waiting for you.

I may not know the kind of season you are going through but I sure know this. I am not here to write pretty stuff and build a community where believers show up with no heart. I want you to feel seen and deeply cared for. I pray my words remind you you’re never alone, I pray they draw you to the heart of Jesus and I pray you go there more and more because he is the living water.

Compassion starts when we are brave enough to be human and let others truly see us.

Also please pray for me to write more and more, sometimes I get so much in my head and feel stuck haha! Peace.