Beloved, You are Allowed...

 I am allowed to help when I can but not at the expense of my own needs or comfort.

I am allowed to show up for myself boldly with warmth and affection for the woman I am while still honouring the woman I am becoming.

I am allowed to take care of myself before taking care of anyone else.

I am allowed to take up space and let others see me for who I am truly...without putting on a mask, without shrinking and definitely without trying to hide or play it down to make other people comfortable at my expense.

 I am allowed to speak up and let my voice be heard.

I am allowed to show up and write no matter how I sound or what my English looks like. That is me and that is how I speak...I am allowed to be heard for who I am currently even as I work on becoming better at my craft.

I am allowed to leave rooms or spaces that no longer serve me, that cost me my peace and that makes me question my worth. I am allowed to leave when the room no longer has the capacity to contain the woman I am becoming.

I am allowed to become fully myself even when no one sees it. It is an honour to the woman I am and she deserves that standard to be upheld always.

I am allowed to want more for myself,for my life and for my future. I am allowed to be a little bit afraid and unsure when the road ahead seems unclear and rocky.

I am allowed to have my moments when I doubt God or his plan for me. That doesn't make me a bad christian.

I am allowed to want love and give love in the way I know best.

I am allowed to want things from people that make me feel loved and appreciated...their gifts, their time, their warmth,their support and their presence. I am allowed to want that and give it in return wholesomely not as payback but because that is who I am and that is what they deserve too. As an honour of who they are. I am not a fool for constantly doing it...it only means I love love and I love loudly. That is okay. That is beautiful. The world needs more of that and who am I to hide the love I have so generously received from my father in heaven? 

I am allowed to panic and have things not figured out,it makes me human and it brings colour and warmth to my story...sometimes the crayons are broken but still, they do colour dear one. 

I am allowed to be loud about Jesus and tell of his love to all who can hear. It is what he created me to do. Be his light in this dark world. How can the light be hidden?

I am allowed to be...to love and to feel in the way I was created to. Fully myself... uncompromising.

I am allowed to be a little bit childish and whimsical...not every activity needs a plan and not every action needs to be well thought of before execution. I can be goofy and loud without having to constantly put a label on it. This adulting will not kill me abeg...

I am allowed to be girly,to want flowers and cuddles,to love the wild and still be the ambitious creative woman I am. No side disqualifies the other. They can both exist and bloom in the same space and body. God created them to beloved...and I am fully embracing every part of me wholeheartedly.

I am allowed to be loud about my opinion even if it's different from what the majority hold. 

So I embrace my journey and story. The ups and the downs,the rocky mountains and the great valleys. The beautiful streams and the raging storms. I am giving myself permission to show up fully again in this world because that is what I owe myself. She deserves honour love and a standard she too upholds. I give myself permission to show up and let God lead me.

I am giving myself permission to have it not figured out but still embracing my bloom in the middle of the unknown, the road and the man in the journey with me. Like a woman dearly loved and adored...who knows so, might I add...I am walking steadily and confidently to the feet of the man who has loved me before the foundations of this earth were laid. I am laying my head on his shoulder and letting him kiss my forehead. Because it is his love that has led me to this place I fondly call home and it is his love that will lead me in all the places he has prepared for me.

Oh to be loved as a woman gives me a different kind of glow and freedom. To be tenderly cared for and delicately held. To be missed when I am wandering about far from him and to be pursued like I mean the world to him. It is this love that causes me to bloom and the only words that come out of my mouth as I lean on him are,' oh the joy of being loved so richly, oh to be a woman greatly adored by the one!' 

I am giving myself permission to feel walk and receive this love daily. To live and bloom in this love and I'm asking you dear reader,are you quite ready to do the same?

We are not the same but the common human experience has brought us here together. In this space...far from the noise of the world...my words made you stay... probably longer than you anticipated and perhaps you found sight in the truth of the things I have long struggled with. Things I am fighting to lay hold of but still giving myself permission to stay and embrace the journey of my becoming. No matter how ugly or tedious it may look.

Because I deserve that and so do you. We deserve to show up fully for ourselves,to heal,to love and to care for ourselves with such a delicate kind of affection for the person you once lost but finding again. Piece by Piece. May the tension of the struggle not scare you away but draw you to a kind of intimacy you wish could last forever.

Peace