Rescue...

 I will send out an army, to find you in the middle of the darkest night; it’s true, I will rescue you. I will never stop marching, to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight; it’s true, I will rescue you…

If you know, you know but if you do not know…I will gladly tell you. My article today has been inspired by one of my favourite songs, Rescue by Lauren Daigle. I have been listening to so many songs lately and I couldn’t help wondering why no one told me about this amazing song. Though I guess music is truly art and for you to really hear the words speak to you, your soul must ache for them. Some songs cannot even be sung with our lips only…the heart sings out loud as our lips tries to gasp for air through the tears and anguish. I mostly find myself staring into thin air when this song plays, I can’t sing it loudly…it always feels like a punch to my stomach. This song reminds me of the goodness of God in so many ways, it reminds me that Jesus is my saving refuge but mostly it reminds me I have a shepherd, a good shepherd who will leave the 99 even in the middle of the night to come look for me. He will kill the bear and the lion he will let himself be harmed just to rescue me. It reminds me of the enduring love God has for me.

It reminds me my brokenness, my iniquities, my sins, my rebellion did not shutter his love for me he always loved me. It reminds me how he came for me, how he rescued me, how he chased the demons away with just his presence, how he took a broken girl and wrapped her in his arms…he never cared about anything, not even the mud I carried or how messy I was. He was clean he had no reason to be close to someone like me…he could have used anybody and yet he chose me…he took my hands and told me how much he loved me. He forgave me and told me Catherine, even if I had to give my life over and over again for your sake, I would do it…I will take the bitter cup and drink from it because I love you. I have never in my life be loved the way this man loves me. I have never felt chosen the way this man choses me. He comes for me even in the nosiest places and calms my spirit. He called me home, that’s what he did.

I wonder if anyone reading this knows truly how it feels when you are alone, fighting a giant you can’t even speak about to anyone, feeling like you are losing your mind and you have no fight left in you. I wonder how lonely the wilderness is, how devastating it is to face the valley of the shadow of death and be alone. It is devastating. It is a kind of suffering that rips you apart. Many of us go through this kind of seasons. Many of us are facing battles no one knows about, many of us put a smile on our faces to show the world we are okay but deep down we are fading away. Many of us are even struggling to put up with this façade because it is tiring, how on earth can you showcase strength when you don’t have it in you? Why do we have to go through life numb? Where is the joy that once defined you? The radiant man or woman you once were? Where did your confidence go to? who took away your innocence, what made you shy away from dreams you once spoke about confidently and finally choosing the victim tale? Where are you?

I am asking you these questions because I needed to ask myself the same questions too…and you know the part that broke me most was confronting God about it, I had to let it all out because it was breaking me, I needed to ask him why life after choosing him feels harder, it should be easier, why does your will feel like it is breaking me…I feel your presence God I know you’re here with me but the cost of it is killing me…why is life harder after saying yes to you God…why does it feel like you are ripping me apart, it should be easier, I should be walking in purpose, testifying of your goodness with so much radiance in me but God I am here writing about you in suffering, with a cost I never knew I could bear, it feels like death, like a thorn always pricking my flesh. I am here telling you to use me God but I am a broken vessel.

It's hard and one thing I would want you to visualise about me as I write to you is a girl, sitting on the floor speaking as she swings her legs. I don’t have much to say but only this, do you believe that God can use you no matter how broken you feel, do you believe that it is your brokenness that makes you human. It is your faults your weaknesses you falling short that reminds us that at the end of the day we are truly made of clay and it is his divine power that keeps us alive. I get so jerked up when I hear all these self-help words being spread because I don’t think as humans we will ever figure this life out no matter how knowledgeable how experienced or how successful we are…outside Jesus we cannot know the depth of life and truly live in it freely. Yes, I love God and I love how he uses people, I mean look at Elijah he called fire all the way from heaven, how powerful right? Look at Jesus raised the dead and healed the sick. Even Paul could heal the sick and call out demons, a man who once took pleasure murdering Christians, wow! It’s true God can use you no matter your past no matter your present, he chose you. But we forget that Elijah wanted God to take his life because he feared he will be killed, he was depressed. God came to him at that moment and spoke to him in a small still voice. We forget Jesus sweating tears of blood was because of the grief he felt for the suffering ahead of him and knowing that that is the will of his father in heaven. We forget Paul begged God to take the thorn away from him and God told him his grace is sufficient, slept in jails and in chains yet still praised God. I asked this question in my previous article and I will ask it again, what did these people possibly know about God that helped them endure even in suffering? But that’s not what I am here to talk about.

I am here to tell you your suffering makes you human and it’s okay to let it all out. He will rescue you. Your suffering and brokenness do not make you less of his child. He sees you. I needed to accept I am broken and I also needed to be honest with God and tell him that I feel sometimes it is him that breaks me. His will breaks me and yet I am forced to believe it is perfect when it doesn’t feel like it. The wrestle is real and I cannot hide it away…my worship is broken and it feels like a sacrifice. Listen, I thought coming to God meant power after power, from one level of glory to another, always testifying about the blessings the goodness and all the amazing things he is doing. I thought it was always going to be goody shiny and marvellous. Shock on me, I realised every level of glory comes with a death to self…sanctification means he is shedding off things from us that are false and conforming us to his own image…our true image…I realised intimacy with him meant there will always be warfare and prayer is not just a choice but our saving grace…his word becomes the food that keeps us alive…his spirit now dwells in us which means we will always be aware of him constantly.

It slowly dawned on me this is a battle and there is an armour of God I must put on completely, it is my divine protection. There is a real devil fighting us all day every day, okay. But above everything else, I realised he is not just my God he is my shepherd too and in my darkest of nights I can cry out to him, that this too is intimacy…worship. I realised even my sacrifice of worship is still worship to him and he will never shut his ears from hearing me. I realised even my tears and wails were words to him and he could hear what my mouth could not say aloud. I saw who a shepherd is not in the best of my days but in the dark lonely days… when he would comfort me and rescue me. I saw his love and intimacy when he embraced my questions and revealed himself to me time and time again. I saw how deep his love runs when I thought it was over yet he was only getting started, telling me over and over again I will never leave you nor forsake you, I will preserve you to the last of your breath. I am still the same God, the God of Abraham the God of Jacob the God of Isaac, The God of David and the God of Esther is still your God, – the God of Catherine. I am unchangeable and if I kept them for my glory believe I will keep you too, if I preserved Paul, I will preserve you and so many of my children because I love you so much and I will always love you. In Psalms 51:16-17, David says for Thou has no delight in sacrifice, were I to give a burnt offering, thou would not be pleased. The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O, God thou will not despise. Contrite means feeling or expressing remorse at the recognition that one has done wrong.

I will always testify of the goodness of God, not because my path has been perfect or easy, not because his goodness was always visible to me, not because I endured well in suffering but because even when I didn’t his grace was always sufficient for me and his love never wavered even for a second. I speak about him with so much frankness because I want us to accept our humanity, embrace it and let his divine power shine through us…I want us to sit down with our grief, our sadness, our anger, our lack, our questions, our confusion and even unbelief. I want us to finally go to him, at his throne of grace and throw ourselves at him…I want us to finally see our brokenness does not need to be beautified or given pretty words…we don’t need to affirm ourselves out of it we can let him in and let him rescue us. In the middle of the darkest night, when you have no one around you when no one can hear the anguish in your soul when death feels more luring than life, when your dreams are collapsing before you, when you see no way out…I am here to tell you there is a way and he is standing before you. He will rescue you, he will rescue it, it’s okay, if I could hug you physically I would… I know you are tired but lift up your eyes and cry to your father…he will rescue you… he weeps when you weep, he wants a good future for you that’s what he has planned for you and it’s okay if you don’t see it just know he sees you and in his eyes you are enough. You are more than enough. He will heal you and you will emerge victorious. I have felt broken in my walk with God but in this brokenness, I have become freer, I have no problem being vulnerable, I have so much compassion for people and a deep hunger to see people coming to Jesus not thinking they have to be perfect or have it all figured out but knowing even in their mess he has loved them. The world may not love you or see you, maybe your own family and friends too, but God sees you and he has loved you even before the world was formed.

This love is steadfast, unconditional and it endures forever. He will rescue you. That’s the good news today. So again, I come to you singing out loud my favourite song:

“You are not hidden, there’s never been a moment you were forgotten, you are not hopeless, though you have been broken, your innocence stolen.

I hear you whisper underneath your breath…

I hear your SOS, your SOS…

I will send out an army to find you… in the middle of the darkest night; it’s true, I will rescue you.

There is no distance, that cannot be covered, over and over…

You’re not defenceless…

I will be your shelter; I will be your armour🤍“