Perfect Tension

When I think of the mind, it's a constant battle to stay level headed. A daily battle in my own opinion. I thought giving an illustration would make more sense. I hope you will enjoy reading it, it’s my first time writing something like this and I am nervous curious and bubbly at the same time. Happy reading!

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She was distraught and angry. Everyday waking up was a daunting task she did not look up to. The thoughts in her mind felt tasking like a heavy weight she couldn’t bear. They felt like a loud voice constantly speaking down on her…louder than her beliefs…louder than the voice of the one whom she knew dwells in her…louder than any hope she desired to hold on to…louder than anything. They were loud. She heard them when she went to sleep, she heard them when there was nothing to distract her…no music or conversations to engage in. She heard them when she woke up…it always started with a single thought a single voice whispering something to her…then the fear would have her coil back…the single voice would then multiply to a million voices. It was a constant battle of sanity. Staying alive seemed like the one task she had to excel in.

This day was no different. She woke up distressed, thinking of all the things she should be doing condemning herself for not doing them. She hopelessly laid on her bed and in a swift moment remembered she had a secret place with God, her father. ‘Does he care though? Does this matter to him…does he understand how am tired of living in my mind and falling apart every single time…does he quite understand how I’m tired and drained of this constant suffering that is ever present?’ She wondered. Nevertheless, she took her Bible notebook and pen and went to be with her father. It wasn’t a routine to her; she just loved this man so much. The perfect Bible study routine features all the things she had with her…oh! with no coffee and highlighter of course. One should go and pray first then read the word of God, right? I don’t know I am just guessing.

She had no strength to pray or read the word no strength to even speak she was too immersed in the ocean of her thoughts to do so. Too captivated by them and this captivity was not one to admire or desire. It was hell. As she sat there and tried speaking to God, she felt nothing. The thoughts in her mind were perhaps louder. This time though it was different…there were different voices…arguing against each other…One encouraging her to go to God and one convincing her God does not care and as she sat there, she heard them so clearly. There was a dialogue going on in her mind and this is how it sounded like dear reader….

 

Voice 1: Nothing is worth living, you should probably die and get done with it. What makes you think you are worth it. God does not care about you. See your life, it’s always one constant battle after another one suffering after another and you want to sit there and lie to yourself that God cares. He doesn’t if he did you wouldn’t be living like this. (Laughs hysterically) that is why I hate him you know…he is stingy with his blessings I would never live like this slopping around life.

The Girl: Is this true? Does God not care? yes, it’s true…my life has always been one constant battle after another…tears and suffering. It just doesn’t come to an end. I hate living like this. I hate my mind but God told me he cares. He told me he cares and I heard him tell me so. He also told me in his own time he will make everything perfect…that no word returns to him empty or void. He can’t lie, he is God.

Voice 1: Yes, oh yes of course it’s true. Why would I lie to you. Think of one single season for the past five years that was not hard for you. Yet you sit here like a bitch and whine all day. You think God cares…no he doesn’t. He has never cared…you are just lazy. You should get up and think of ways to change your life because no one is coming to save you girl…or better still die and get it over with trust me life is not worth living.

The Girl: But he cares about me and I am not lazy. I always put my best foot forward. God loves me, I am his child. I know no one is coming to save me but I can’t even save myself. I will hold on to him. He is my savior.

Voice 1: Hold on to what? This is why your life will never change. You are stupid and foolish

The Girl: (Coils back in fear and shame)

Voice 1: Okay, I was probably harsh I am sorry. Listen, here is a quick fix because I care about you. Numb everything until you are level headed to think clearly. Go take your phone, scroll through TikTok or social media it will help at least. Better still go watch a movie…numb everything God ain’t shit he doesn’t care. I am the one who cares. I am the one who sees all your tears and how tired you are. You think he cares? Okay what did he tell you…that this is a call of endurance and hope. He told you to hold on to him he will comfort you. What kind of a ‘good’ God tells his child to endure when you are already tired are you a machine or something? (Laughs again) You better numb everything before you run mad. You know what... I actually think you are depressed.

The Girl: Do not curse when talking about God! He is sovereign and Holy. Talk of him with reverence and fear of his name. (Repents thinking it was her own voice that said the crude words) I trust him. Also I don’t remember how to numb…since I started walking with Christ he is always searching my heart and anytime I come to him I am laid bare even if I don’t want to. You just can’t be in his presence and hide. It’s not possible and again I am too sensitive. No social media or TikTok or movie will help me…as a matter of fact they drain me thoroughly. I can’t escape how I am feeling the moment I put my phone down the thoughts and emotions will wash me down again and I am afraid I will drown. Only God can help me. He is my source of strength.

Voice 1; You are already at the bottom of the sea girl don’t worry about drowning. Of course, you don’t want to go to social media because seeing other people’s success highlights your failures. You are a failure. You are full of envy and jealousy you don’t like seeing people succeed that is why you don’t want to go to social media. That is not the heart of God is it darling? You are worthless no wonder he can’t bless you.

The Girl: NO, I AM NOT ENVIOUS! You accuse me daily and mock me because I don’t have anything going on in my life, God not answering me does not mean he has forsaken me.

Voice 1: I don’t accuse you I tell you the harsh truth that you hate hearing. Get up from here and fix your life. There is nothing I have told you that is not true God does not care. As a matter of fact, this suffering pleases him. He doesn’t care.

The Girl: Well, that’s true even though it’s harsh. I am always crying to God and he hears me but he never takes this suffering away. It’s always one kind of suffering after another. My mind is a living hell. Maybe it’s true I am depressed. Why though? Am I so bad or so unworthy of his blessings? is it bad to desire easy? Why won’t he take this away and save me from my mind at least. Why is my life like this. (She says a prayer and sits in her thoughts silently) She wanted to stop thinking, get up and fix her life. Do what needs to be done but the emptiness in her heart and the brutality of her thoughts had her so needy for God.

Voice 2: Go to God. You know too much about God to sit in your thoughts like this and let them govern you. You know too much about your father to let the enemy use your mind as a toy and play ground. Mocking you day and night. You know he is the accuser of the brethren. Stop giving in and go to God. Bring every thought captive to obey Christ.

The Girl: Huh? you sound level headed for sure but why won’t he come to me and save me. Why must I be the one going to him and begging him to save me. I am tired.

Voice 2: He gave you an instruction. Obey him…when you come to him kneel before him and worship him. That is where the power is….in obedience. As long as you are not obedient to him the enemy uses that as his weapon against you. Walking in disobedience no matter how subtle creates an opening for the enemy. Jesus wants to fellowship with you just as much as you want to. He loves you and cares deeply for you. There is a level of glory and intimacy that he has given you access to. This level is not milk he is feeding you solid food child. In this level you will experience constant suffering and warfare because you have a deeper level of intimacy with our father. The anointing in your head comes with a cost. Therefore, it is on your knees where you will find the power to fight. God does not want to just bless you, he wants to preserve you, he wants to teach you dependence on him fully because he loves you. He knows you can't do this alone. If you did you wouldn't be needy for him. The calling on your life is heavy, God wants you at his feet always. In prayer and worship daily without ceasing. You will fall on your face before him because it is not the suffering that makes you needy child it is your constant awareness of how much you need him to stand and walk. That is what he requires of you. Remember when this year started, he told you he wants you to be a living sacrifice for him.

The Girl: Okay listen I said it before and I will say it again! I don’t want that calling or anointing anymore. It will kill me if it hasn’t done so already…can’t you see?? it feels like death actually it tastes like death and yes I know the word says if one loves Christ he must die to self take up his cross and follow him but this right here feels like actual death I can’t. I don’t want it I am not interested just choose another person to get the job done.

Voice 1: Yes, you better stand on business. Is wanting a soft easy life now a crime.

Voice 2: Remember Jesus your savior? The one you call your man…he died to give you life and life in abundance trust in him and go to him. He walked obediently before his father till he completed his assignment on this earth that he had proclaimed from the beginning of time…and he suffered greatly…no man on this earth will ever suffer like he did. He was innocent, white with no blemish yet he never complained he loved his father and served him with all his heart. If you are called by him and in him then you are called to suffer too. As his disciple and servant, you are called to endure and have your eyes set upon the master and perfector of your faith. He hasn’t just called you to share in his glory no he has called you to share in his suffering too. Everybody wants the glory yet the path is narrow for this same reason.

The Girl: That is hard…I honestly can’t for the life of me. I am not Paul or Job though I love them so much.

Voice 2: Yes, you can’t. In your own human capacity, you can’t. You need his power to collide with your weakness. He is the one who will keep you in faith. It was never designed for you to walk alone or figure this life as a believer alone. When you try to…you will drown or become weary because it is his power, might and grace that keeps us from falling. The only thing he requires from us is our obedience…just a little faith that he will not leave us nor forsake us and to have our eyes set on him not the world or ourselves. Go to him now. Kneel down before him and worship him. That is all I am asking of you.

Voice 1: If you go you are the most stupid girl alive. Anyway, just go…I will be waiting here because I know damn well there will be no result. Nothing will change because he never answers any of your stupid prayers just pats you at the back to keep you moving. Ridiculous! Instead of thinking how you will change your life you are here mopping looking like a fish. I really hate you I try helping you every single day but it’s pointless. I will be here waiting for you. I have so many things at your disposal to help you if only you would listen to me…I will take all your sorrow away in one snap of a finger. I will give you everything you want if you just listen to me and obey me. I am not like God I can’t make you suffer I will only give you pleasure and make you forget about everything because that’s how life should be like.

The Girl: Should I go to God? Yes, he gave me a clear instruction; anytime I come to him I should kneel down and worship him. Yeah I thought he said so but I am not sure if it was really him I just felt it in my heart. But also, it’s true he only comforts me he doesn’t change any of my situation I don’t even know if he hears these prayers. Nothing from my outside ever changes but my insides…oh it’s like he operates on me daily and delivers me from chains I never knew had me. Let me go to my father…. I think he is worth it.

Voice 1: Stupid girl you are worthless.

The Girl:(Kneels down and starts worshipping) All the voices go silent and she is left alone. As she sings, tears start flowing the pain and tiredness in her heart feel more heavier than before. Her soul feels weary yet hopeful. She cries to God and tells him how worthless she feels. She comes undone before him. All the things the voices in her head told her come afloat. She sobs and tells God she was nothing without him. The strength to kneel down left her and she fell on her side still sobbing. She asked God why life was hard why nothing was changing what was her purpose in this world. Was it to only suffer. While she sobbed, strength came into her…she felt strong and there were no tears left to cry. She stayed there in silence for a while then kneeled down again. This time she prayed with power and strength worshipped the Lord her God. She knew he was not done with her yet and he will use her for his glory. She knew she was in the presence of God when the atmosphere shifted and the words that came from her mouth were, ‘Lord have mercy on me and heal my mind…heal me and set me free.’ She prayed and the words written in scripture came to her lips as she prayed, the spirit of God strengthened her will and gave her the power she needed. She was full of hope kneeling down before the feet of Jesus her savior felt like an honor bestowed upon her. He told her she was not worthless or a nobody she was a daughter of a king she was connected to royalty and this is where she belonged. In the arms of her shepherd at the feet of her savior. That is where she belonged that was her home. The throne of grace will always be before her therefore she should always come before him with confidence and boldness in time of need seeking help when faced with trials and temptation. Where does her strength come from…her strength comes from the Lord her God.

Her cry of help turned into melodious tunes of thanksgiving because she knew she wasn’t alone. She was not forsaken she was born with purpose and Jesus knew her even before the world was formed before he formed her in her mother’s womb…he knew her and predestined her to be a prophet to the nations. He called her for such a time as this and before he called her to be his servant, he needed to call her home just like the prodigal son...she needed to know her home, her father, her worth and where she belonged. She was never of this world. She was lost but now she’s found she was blind but now she sees. She was of God, the Almighty father who made the heavens and the earth. She worshipped him now in truth and in spirit all the lies of the enemy were quenched down like paper and her God propelled her in his glory. She praised him she sang of his goodness. She worshipped him and kissed his feet with so much joy. He had made his joy full in her and on that day she truly knew that man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.

She knew even if nothing changes, she had all she needed, the rock of ages lived in her…he commissioned not just her life but her day. He was enough for her. The anointing in her head was too great the enemy fought to take her mind captive but the Holy Spirit fought for her and reminded her daily of her Father in heaven. She knew she was blessed. She knew victory was on her side. She prayed with power she rebuked the enemy and all his lies she prayed for her family she prayed that her faith may be increased. She prayed that her faith will stand the test of time and not fail her. She prayed and God answered her. As she took the word of God to read and study, she remembered to pray again that her eyes may be opened to understand scripture…that she may be decreased for the Holy Spirit to be increased in her. She prayed for fellowship and communion with her God as she read his word…for wisdom to understand what is written…that his words may be planted in her mind as truth. She prayed for discernment and love for scripture. Intimacy with the Holy Spirit…that he may be louder than the voice of the enemy. She prayed that the words may comfort her and speak to her…that they may come alive for her for the word is living and active sharper than any two-edged sword piercing to the divisions of soul and spirit of bones and marrow and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Before him no creature is hidden but all are laid bare to the eyes of him with whom we have to do.

She prayed that she may be laid bare. That she may read the word looking for Christ with whom we have to do… not herself because if she found him, she finds herself naturally….and she knew God heard her and answered her because when she read Isaiah 42, she found him. With whom we have to do. She saw Christ the son of God. She found him.

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Dear reader…the only words I can use to describe the life of a believer is; Perfect Tension. We constantly fight an enemy who is an accuser of all brethren whose main goal is to keep us from Christ but there is a throne of grace and the beauty is the one sitted on it is a high priest who was also tempted and mocked by the same enemy…yet without sin. He will keep us from falling by his strength and might he will preserve us in his truth he saved us when we first came to him but he is continuously saving and sanctifying us in him that we too may be found righteous before his father…our God. I hope this article blessed your heart and showed you that you are never alone. It is a constant battle and in the times we are living in it is war. Paul tells us we should put on the whole armor of God and breaks down the importance of each equipment. Please read Ephesians chapter 6 it is crucial to have this word in us. In fact, the whole word of God should be ingrained in us. I believe as servants of Jesus Christ and his disciples our heads should be buried deep in his word…soaking it day and night praying without ceasing and also praying for all the saints. Finding strength in the might of our God. We cannot defend or have faith in a God we do not know when the enemy comes knocking at our door. He doesn’t even knock brethren he looks for an opening and comes in like a thief hungry to steal our peace, joy,truth and faith. He is constantly moving like a lion looking for someone to devour.

Take hope and lean on Jesus Christ he hears you…he loves you and he is calling you home. Peace.