Beauty in the Ashes

I should probably start with a nice introduction and a hey dear reader; but i am here unwillingly and scared so when i tell you i don't know why exactly am here or what to say to you please believe me. I have no idea where to start from, i just feel the holy spirit nudging and tagging my heart constantly. For the past few days the Lord has been bringing my blog into remembrance and it's not like i forgot about it i just don't know what to write or say. When it comes to my personal notes i write almost everyday and it frees me every single time but anytime i thought about writing an article or something worth sharing my mind went blank. Currently wrestling with an article I've been writing for a while now and i swear it tortures me. It felt so beautiful and leading to something even more beautiful but the block in my mind was so heavy anytime i tried putting it down. It's weird you feel the connection, the beauty and the imagination but anytime you take your phone to put it down something blocks your mind and you end up struggling to even complete full sentences and flow. 

Trust me nothing is as frustrating for a creative as feeling the imagination flow in your mind only to have a mental block when you try executing it. I wondered God why do I feel this fear and mental block anytime i try writing something for my blog yet flow smoothly when it comes to my personal notes? The latter frees me yet the former blocks me. I thought maybe it's warfare maybe the devil doesn't want me to share what God has put in me. I should pray the house down and rebuke this mental block in Jesus mighty name. Oh i knew this would solve the problem what God cannot do does not exist right? I started praying about it but the direction God was leading me didn't look like somewhere i wanted to go or partake in. God was like yes the mental block is there but he was not trying to remove it. As a matter of fact he wanted us to sit in it interrogate it and search my heart. He was revealing to me the vanity that's in my heart what I am truly concerned about. He was going to the root of the block and showing me it is fear that's holding me back. He was showing me the block was a result of me trying to escape the fact i must be vulnerable and share what has been going on in my life. Yes you want to share the good stuff and how i saved and ministered to you but the mess matters too. There was ashes before there was beauty and the story of the ashes and the mess deserve to be told too. You are afraid to relive those moments again. Maybe you are afraid of opening up to your struggles and the shame of how people will perceive you but i saved you and i have preserved you. My victorious right hand took you up in my arms and i want you to tell the story of my redemption but i also want you to tell of the suffering, the breaking the tears and how wounded you were. That's what God told me and i wondered, father why?you know I don't enjoy being vulnerable or letting people in especially where i am weak. I just don't like it i want to share what I am comfortable sharing and am not comfortable sharing everything. God just listened as i prayed and he didn't push it but anytime i tried writing an article the mental block wouldn't allow me to go as far as three paragraphs.

The article i was writing came to me when i was spending time with God and am telling you it was so real i could touch it. I remember feeling so excited as i took my phone to write it down and i knew i would have it ready within hours. I felt so happy that finally my creativity was flowing freely again but i never went as far as three paragraphs my mind went blank...again. The worst part about it is I couldn't fake it because I didn't know exactly what i was writing or where it was leading to it felt like it was flowing straight from the spirit such that when my mind went completely blank i didn't know how to recollect my thought train. I don't know if I am explaining it well but i hope you get it. When i went to God in prayer about it again and asked him to give me the flow and reignite my passion for writing articles i felt silence from him. I tried shutting the feeling of inadequacy down but i kept thinking maybe I wasn't as good as I wanted to be. I wasn't even deep yet I claimed to love depth when am reading something. I missed the times when i had an article up every Thursday how i was always flowing. Now I could go months without posting and honestly it broke my heart. I felt maybe I got discouraged when I saw the views were not growing I thought there wasn't any impact in it. It's weird because I don't feel comfortable posting in most social apps if not all then complain about the views being down. I wanted to forget about this... convince myself i am taking a break to just seek God about it and let him purify my motives and reignite the passion and flow i once had. I don't think it was a break though because the holy spirit kept nudging and tugging my heart about it. It was always in my mind i missed writing so much. Actually the only reason i am here writing is because I was on YouTube binge watching a vlog and felt the nudge in my heart again. It was so strong and i just closed YouTube and finally said a prayer telling God i can't do this without him. I don't have anything to offer outside him I don't want to write what i feel he wants me to write about because i am afraid to. It's going to strip me naked it's going to make me feel weak when i relive those moments and I don't want to. I don't even have a flow. I told him this then took my phone. That's why my article starts the way it starts....

Now let's get to the meat of the story. Last year around August was an expectant month for me. I was believing God for something i knew he would do around that month. I was hopeful and had so much faith. I was very excited since i had waited a whole year for this and it meant a lot to me. I had obeyed him and remained faithful with what he had commanded me to do for a whole year and in my heart i never doubted that now that the one year was coming to an end he would open the door for me and grant me what i wanted...which was a new beginning. I started praying and praising God for the shift i knew would take place. I was so expectant and prepared...now in hindsight, i see i was also proud and entitled but no one could tell me this. I was so convinced God would do it because i was faithful to him and that's what he had spoken to me...of course he would do it the word of God is living and active it can't return to him void. Oh boy, my mind was fixed on the move and the blessing nothing more nothing less...not even God. I just loved him for what i knew he would give me at that moment. As the days went by the doors i was hopeful would open were closing one by one.There was not even a fragment of hope that maybe just maybe one door will be the door God had prepared for me to walk in gracefully. There was nothing when i say nothing i mean nothing. This made me anxious and confused i was like something is wrong somewhere. I tried searching and looking for new outlets but nothing was coming my way. It was blank, when i saw this i ran to God in prayer asking him why things were like this. I have never been as confused as I was last year. Every night i went to God crying telling him things were not moving as i had expected and every night God comforted me. He comforted me listened and I could feel his presence around me as I cried my heart out. 

Here is the thing though,God comforted me and spoke life to me but never at any given moment did he speak to me about the very thing that was troubling me. He never spoke to me about it we spoke about everything but that and anytime i brought it up i felt his peace in my heart yet no clear direction of his plan for me. There was silence. With time i noticed it when days turned to months and nothing was changing. I became angry with God,the feelings of abandonment started creeping in...i felt God had played me dirty and i was like what's the point of praying if you won't answer me God? what's the point of trusting you when the thing i need most from you is what you are withholding from me? It was rough for me mentally and emotionally. I lost the strength to pray and for the first time in my life i felt so weak to even face a new day. I felt tired with living and fighting. I hated my life and everything in it because it felt so empty. I missed the bubbly wild girl i once was. I remember leaning on the closest people in my life...my family. Telling them to pray for me. I saw how weak I was and knew i needed covering as much as possible. 

I am actually recognizing as i write that that season made me so needy for God in a way i have never been...i remember taking my Bible every day especially at night and just staring at it. I remember tears falling from my eyes uncontrollably as i stared at this book that i knew was the word of God...living and active sharper than any two edged sword piercing to the division of bones and marrow of soul and spirit and discerning the thoughts and the intentions of the heart...I knew before him no creature is hidden and all are laid bare to the eyes of him with whom we have to do. I knew this word is living and active and what was breaking my heart in a million pieces as I stared at it was the wrestle between my flesh my mind and the spirit. I knew God's word was truth that no word returned to him void i knew when he spoke a word the word is life. Why then did the word he spoke to me not come to life why does it feel void. I wrestled believing that God is good because at that moment he didn't feel good to me. He seemed cruel and uncaring. He was still silent when i needed him to speak urgently. I started thinking that maybe he didn't speak to me last year maybe i thought it was his voice when it was my own voice or the enemy's. Oh and speaking of the enemy there was no time as a believer i have felt the torment and the mocking of the devil like in that particular season. I will speak more about it just now but first there is a mercy of God i need to tell you about. When i look back at that season, I realise it's that season that made me fall more in love with God,the wrestle made me so needy for him so needy that all i wanted was for him to speak. That's it.

Despite the anger and resentment i felt towards him i could still feel his presence with me, even me taking my Bible and wrestling with it feeling the emptiness in me and still feeling my love for God so strong was a mercy I didn't deserve. My mind was a living mess the negative thoughts reigned like a king and pushed me away from God but my father...my Lord followed me he pursued me. He never had his eyes off me and he kept affirming me and telling me he is a good God. It was not even an affirmation it was a command...it came and rested in my heart. I knew he was good from then on and spoke it over and over again...over myself. The silence from him about my expectation of how this season was supposed to turn out still confused me but i remember knowing and believing that God is good and he is not good because of what he does no he is good because that's who he is. We were three months down from August and I tell you every single day I lived by the mercies of God. It was a torment. There is one particular day though... I don't think i will ever forget that day. It's what God wanted me to write about but I didn't want to because of how vulnerable it makes me feel and reliving that moment again when i write was not something i wanted to do but i need to tell you. I need to tell of the ashes so that you can see the beauty of God.

When I say the enemy was having a field day with my mind that season oh trust me he was. He mocked me day in day out because i had mistrust towards God at that moment and i guess that created the opening he needed to get in. He fueled the anger and resentment i had. He told me nothing would ever change for me as a matter of fact I would be in this season for four years. I remember this very well because i was in a vehicle going to work in the morning and the mocking voice came and left me cold. I was paralysed I didn't want to believe him because i knew this was not the voice of God. It was cold and mocking. Laughing at me. I think that was the day i knew it's not only God who speaks no the enemy Satan does too and I mean audibly. It was an audible voice in my mind i heard it clearly. It was cold and mocking. This was a question i had asked God so many times and he was silent about it. He never told me how long it would be and i remember thinking Maybe it's true what the enemy is saying maybe God doesn't want to tell me because he knows i am not ready to hear the answer to it. I thought the enemy must have known because spiritually when God speaks a word it's not only us or the heavenly beings that know what's to take place but even hell and the demons that's why they fight it...basically i started believing what the enemy had told me it wrecked me so much but i felt it was better to be in the know loop than confused and blank.

I told God about it and again he comforted me held me down but remained silent about that matter. This frustrated me so much and it came to a point I didn't even want his comfort I wanted him to leave me alone.I wanted to figure my life on my own and go back to being independent. I was like naah this is not working for me I can't have someone tell me what to do how to live it's too much i need my freedom back. I remember telling God i will figure this thing out whether he helps me or not. Maan it was that bad but again God kept pursuing me when I say it's mercies i never deserved trust me I didn't. Every night he would nudge me to spend time with him even when I didn't want to. Sometimes the cruelty and brutality of my thoughts made me run to him and my only cry was...God i need you. At this point I wasn't even concerned about the new door or beginning that I thought he had promised me now all i wanted was to come out of this dark tunnel i was in. It was so dark i felt it. I never knew it was possible to go through such stuff when you are a believer. I never thought i would be happy again in my life....it never seemed possible. One night in particular i remember sitting on my bed at night with my Bible and i felt a tangible kind of darkness surround me. I was gripped with fear i was so terrified of it, it felt like it wanted to consume me whole and for the life of me I had no strength to resist. I only held my Bible tightly in my arms and recoiled in my bed holding myself in fear. The thoughts felt like strong voices telling me...no, ordering me to take a razor and slice my wrist. The voices were so strong and the direction came with a picture of me doing it in tears and it kept pushing and pushing me. They had a grip on me and they told me to end it this night God doesn't care. They weren't even encouraging me to do it no...they were threatening me. It's like something bad would happen if I didn't. That night i felt darkness in a way i have never done in my whole life till today. I could feel the hatred in their voices their mocking i could smell the blood from my wrist I could see myself slicing it. I was terrified one because i have never had suicidal thoughts in my entire life second because it felt outside of me like something else was trying to control me and the more it was not able to the angrier it became. That anger washed over my skin leaving me cold from the fear i had, this is not a movie scene. I just remember holding my Bible in my arms tightly and i remember telling God screaming to make haste and deliver me. This was a psalm I had read just that week i think it was even the previous day probably because it was so clear at that moment. That season God had me in Psalms I didn't know why I wasn't even enjoy reading my Bible but anytime i read God would take me to Psalms but now in hindsight I see why. He wanted me to have scripture planted in my spirit for a time like this that he knew was coming. That's the night I didn't want to relive. It was the darkest day of my life no one can convince me suicidal thoughts come from us...no it is deeper it is spiritual and it comes straight from the enemy. It is total darkness you can't even fight it, it takes over your mind and the intrusive thoughts become stronger and louder by the minute. When i cried that prayer and told God to make haste and deliver me i remember crying holding my Bible as tightly as i could. As time went by i remember feeling safer and lighter. Unclutching my Bible. It wasn't a 'spur of a moment power straight from heaven snatching me out of darkness' kind of deliverance no it was a slow kind of it. It just went away slowly. It felt like warfare honestly and I wasn't even the one fighting someone else was fighting for me. When i finally felt i could sit down...i sat and went straight to psalms reading the whole chapter of the verse i had spoken that time. I was still shaken from that experience though and I was afraid to go to sleep. My mind was still trying to understand what had just happened. I was shocked and terrified not only because of the intensity of the darkness I had felt but also the dangerous suicidal thoughts that had gripped me. The voices because it wasn't one voice they were many voices in my mind. It shocked me because I had not thought about ending my life before it just came out of nowhere at night when I had my Bible at my secret place with God and took over me in a second. That scared the living daylight out of me.

I remember going to sleep i took my Bible with me and held it the whole night. I didn't even cry i was just afraid they would come back in my sleep. I told God that night I didn't want to sleep in my bed I wanted to sleep in his arms at his feet...any place apart from my bed... wherever he is that's where I wanted to be. I didn't want to be alone. Let me tell you,that particular night I slept like a baby...in fact that whole season i never struggled with sleep no matter how rough it was but that night in particular...I slept like a baby nuzzling close to their mother. I slept so well and even though I woke up afraid when i remembered what had taken place the previous night my body was well rested. So well rested. 

That day i knew with no shadow of a doubt that God was with me. He was right there with me wherever i was whatever I did. I knew he cared for me. Since that night i became more needy to be close to God. To pursue him as much as he was pursuing me. I wondered how i ever doubted his love for me. He was my only hope my gift of salvation and by the way the questions did not get answered nor did the season come to an end...nothing in my physical changed but everything inside me changed. I was a different person since that day. I saw how sacred life was if the enemy also wanted to end it and i fell deeper in love with God. The pain was still there the question of why did it happen ran through my mind occasionally and the release from it came one night in December when the year was almost coming to an end. I love calling it the night of the lament. That was the night i was released from all the questions the fear confusion and resentment. It was a beautiful heart wrecking kind of night. It will be the follow up article after this one... rightfully so. It deserves to be told too. it's the beauty God gave me the release. I have a story to testify of the goodness and faithfulness of God towards me but the beauty came from ashes and my father says the ashes need to be aired too. Don't be afraid of the shame of what people will say or think bind you, i have shown you my resurrection power It has delivered you and held you down always. The enemy is defeated by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. This is my testimony the sword i am slaying the devil with because what he had meant for evil God used it for good.

My story my testimony of what took place last year is still something i am trying to grasp and understand because it was alot for me especially with God. My relationship and intimacy with him was heavily tested but you know what i came with on the other side...Him. I have seen with my own two eyes that whatever God gives me doesn't matter no blessing no kind of answered prayer can ever come before him because he is all i need. He is enough for me and if i have him i have everything i need. Everything i need to live my life is him. My Lord my father my Yahweh. He is all i need. He is the bread the living bread and anyone who eats of him will never go hungry again. He needed to open my eyes so that i could see and believe this; nothing can be compared to him. He is Everything. Every other thing shall be added unto me but it can't replace him because what he gives me nothing else can. He is everything...worthy of my life and my yes every single day of my life. Now i am grateful he never opened the door I thought he was supposed to open because now i know he was the door. 

He was the door and it makes me cry when i think how much it broke his heart when i kept asking him about the door the new beginning or the blessing I thought he had promised me and he was just there hoping i would see it is him. He had promised me himself a new revelation of himself and my God he probably hoped he would be enough for me and that's why he kept quiet when I asked. He knew it was him but he also knew he wasn't an enough answer for me so he had to wrestle through my idols my vanity and walk with me through the fire as they came out so that finally i could see that when all goes south when nothing is left standing in my life and i am alone i am still not alone. Before me stands a man a beautiful man full of glory with his hands and feet pierced for my sake and that man...dear readers that man is enough for me. More than enough for me. He is my everything my everything I don't even fear death because i know there is eternity with him in his holy hill. My God that man is more than enough for me. I am so proud to say nothing changed no new beginning happened nothing at all and i am so happy because that was the blessing. I needed to lose it to find him again...my Jesus. Now i tell him My God withhold everything and anything that has the potential to take my eyes off you. Don't give me something that will come between me and you. You are my father My Lord my Saviour my best friend and my first love. I don't want anything to compromise this or steal our intimacy. If my heart and character is not ready to carry the weight of anything take it away from me. Its you or nothing God. You or nothing and i have tasted of your glory and so help me God i know nothing of this world can ever give me even a fragment of what you give me. NOTHING!!! I am a happy free girl now you should locate me babyy😂❤️not just that... now i know i am God's little girl and he is working out my life. All i get to be is his little girl sitting at his feet and love on him. That's all. Life has been good since then. I have been a happy girl and to think i thought i would never be happy again...i would never get out of that darkness i was in makes me weep. God gave me joy...his joy was made full in me he freed me...liberated me and now i am happy than i have ever been in my life. I am just a little girl walking through life with God hand in hand.

PS: I wrote this article three weeks ago or more i am not sure. I was not ready to post it i kept postponing until finally forgot about it. I just don't like having my business out and the vulnerability is too much abeg😂. I felt guilty because i knew I was walking in disobedience and to marinate the guilt i kept telling myself i will post it. Today being Thursday, I hope you will be reading it on Thursday,my mind was haywire. I was so anxious about alot of things happening and i wanted to go to God and write to him because that's what i always do when i feel distraught. The moment i took my phone to write God was like no don't come here until you do what i told you to do. Go and post that article. It's so funny mann...i told God i will post it tomorrow because tomorrow is a holiday and i have plenty of time but he was adamant about it and that's how you have it with you today. I guess God used the anxious thoughts and fear to drag me back here. That being said i hope it blessed you i hope it gave you a reason to believe in God in any season you are currently in. The ashes have beauty in it because the glory of God is upon you. His hand is upon you and nothing will ever lift it. You are his child and he is well pleased with you. Believe it for it is so...i know when you read that sentence the enemy will bring back memories of the many times you fell short,the shame of sin will try to mock you into not believing what i have just said. Here is the thing though...you are a child of God and he is well pleased with you. That is the word of God it is not an encouragement or motivation to make you feel good. It is Truth and it carries life. May the holy spirit open your heart to believe it and may this word rest in your heart dear reader. Holy spirit reign through them. You are the living word the one who breathed through scripture and we know that this word is living and active eternal sharper than any two edged sword Holy spirit breathe life into them as they hear this word make them so aware of you as you consume them like fire straight from heaven because you are God you are Holy we worship you we bow down before you we are nothing without you take over us Lord. Make our bodies your temple consecrate us Lord and set us apart for your use and glory my Lord Jesus. May you be glorified through us and may it be known that you still live and reign through us may it be known the powers of darkness was defeated through the blood of the most holy lamb of God. We are free we are his and through him and in him we have been made the sons and daughters of God and our God is well pleased with us. Thank you Jesus for the soul that you are saving this minute thank you Jesus for the battered broken heart you are restoring and making whole thank you Jesus for the mind you are saving the mind that the enemy is using as a playing field Lord take it into your arms let them feel the power of your word wash over them cleanse them and make them whole. Let them see with their own two eyes there is a power a hand mighter stronger and way above their depression anxiety and brokenness. Oh God thank you that suicidal thoughts is not our final say we will see the deliverance of our Lord Jesus Christ come in swiftly and drag us back to his shadow...the shadow of the Almighty. You are a child of God dear reader and he is well pleased with you. I repeat it again in case you never got it the first time; You are a child of God and he is well pleased with you...rejoice in the gift of salvation the salvation of our God has come to your house. I speak this in faith and authority that you will walk in freedom and power because you are a child of God not the enemy's tool of play. Go forth and make his name known because you are his babyyy. I am praying for you dear reader he is there with you no matter how dark it looks. Even if he seems silent he is there right there hold on to him. I love you but God loves you more. Dare to say yes to him today and see the beauty and the glory of our Lord Jesus shine upon you. Peace🕊️