She Can...A story about Love and Pain

 I used to sit and wonder...wonder what it feels like when a girl falls in love or should I perhaps say a woman? I used to truly wonder if love is exactly what the romance books described it to be,is it this powerful overwhelming emotion that could sweep me off my feet and move the mountains...is it bigger than the world, stronger than the waves of the ocean...does it consume one to the very bones of our flesh? Is it this huge fire the romance books claimed it to be,that when i feel it nothing else would matter...nothing but him whom my heart beats for,who has my soul on the palm of his hands,who makes me forget everything as if my brain is suddenly wired to dance to the rhythm he has created. Is this love? I wondered. I thought it was but my cynical self could not allow me to sit in this fanciful thoughts long enough to dream,it would mock it...i had seen fiction was worlds apart from reality. No such love existed,not that i know of anyway. No, it didn't,what existed was pain and hurt,this i knew so well. This made me dine with the demons i called buddies.They reminded me everyday love was an imagination of a writer's mind,an art beautifully created and crafted, put in songs and movies to make me a victim of deception, cruelty and ultimately destruction. Oh they taught me power is never mixed with love,ambition could never cross paths with emotions. One has to lose another to gain the other.It was impossible to gain both and as i dined with them, toasted and drank the wine they offered i knew this as truth. How could i have doubted when we spoke the same language told me exactly what i wanted to hear.

Its not their words that convinced me,its their words that gave meaning to what I saw,what broke my heart. If they said power meant more to me then it did,if they told me i am a powerful woman i believed I was. What they didn't tell me was this power only came by their terms. Little did i know that as i dined with them and toasted to a life of power grind wealth and all sweet promises that fell from their lips like honey,my feet had been chained to the same table i dined in. Little did I know that the same demons i called buddies were the same ones stamping and mocking me. Who would have thought? How would i have known? Yet as i dined and made merry in the daylight,i slept reading novels that gave me a glimpse of this impossible timeless kind of love. You couldn't blame a girl, could you? If i couldn't have it maybe just maybe I could live it through the characters of every book I laid my eyes on, mourn a little when it ends till i get my hands on another.

I would hate to have you think this was a sacrifice or a denial inside me of a want perhaps...no it was not. It was a choice, a decision i had made and sworn by; that as long as I live, I would never give up my power for the sake of love or companionship or whatever thing that made women victims of circumstance. If i couldn't have both then i wanted my power and all it came with. Like a vampire hungry for blood everything inside me craved this power. This illusion of power i had created in my mind, that was slowly drugged into my system. Just like the wise saying goes;there is pain that hurts you and there is pain that alters you. My favourite song was 'I woke up like this' by Beyonce. It wasn't just a song. It was a declaration of what i knew i had become. Oh i loved this woman. I had crushed every sign of a little girl in me to become her so yes i adored her...worshipped her...i loved her. This had to be love or so i thought it was until I met one man...

Its scary writing it but I will with every breath inside me... what's more scary is feeling the words as I write because Lord knows how heavy they are...every word carries a weight in them a weight deeply ingrained in me. Where do i start? How do i break it down. Perhaps the writers and poets were right, love is an enormous overpowering emotion. Nothing can come close to it. Maybe they told me the truth.What they failed to tell me was when I meet the one who is love,who comes from love my life will cease to be the same again. They failed to inform me that the man is territorial and hates sharing the one he loves dearly. They didn't tell me when he came to me,my eyes will never look anywhere else not even for one second. I wished they told me he would shake the table i dined in so violently everything on it will flee but me. He didn't even speak a word he just looked at me and when he did,i knew he could see my very soul...that though I was well covered i felt bare. I wanted to run from his piercing eyes and huge presence but my feet were suddenly jelly. Oh I wish they told me that when love came my way i will know it is love and mine because my whole being would be consumed by fire. This was not the love i had read about countless times. Maybe if they had given me a heads up or something I would have been prepared for his intrusion into my life be more in control. Maybe i would have stood my ground and asked who he was yet in hindsight, I sit and wonder could I have done it though? I was alone...for once the table i dined in felt dark. Was it always this dark or was the brightness eluding from this man standing before me making it appear dark. I think its the latter,yes it has to be afterall he is the one trespassing and scaring my buddies away. Who does he think he is? Typical male. I stared at him speechless. I was torn between running towards him for a hug or running to the furthest corner of the room. He felt warm,like he could give the biggest most comforting hugs but no...that is not me. That's not who I am.

I am strong and powerful,the only one i need is myself. I don't need a man. I chose to run and hide.... I did it so well i was convinced he would never find me again even though a part of me wanted him to. There is just something cute about a knight in a shining armor. I thought he would give up looking for me eventually if he had even tried to in the first place. The man with a white cloak and a soothing face. Were those fresh wounds at the palm of his hands?

I knew where i had hidden was too far from him yet my whole being was still shaken from our meeting. I guess i was flattered by the way he had looked at me that's all nothing much. With time he will forget me and i him. Maybe if i had  tried harder to get him off my mind I wouldn't be writing this. Maybe if i had stayed firm with my first choice the story would have been different. We will never know the story on this other side of the coin because as much as i tried to i couldn't get him off my mind. I wanted to experience what it feels like to be seen again. I wanted him to look at me again. Where i had hidden was too dark too empty. I didn't have my buddies to whisper and laugh with. I was alone and suddenly it felt like i was back to the little girl i once was,the girl i had worked hard to bury and forget. I shook with grief and anger at the thought that maybe she wasn't dead. I tried to evoke the woman i knew I was to no avail. She has disappeared into the thin air like we didn't have any attachments whatsoever. Where is she when i desperately need her to feel powerful again? My buddies had said I was powerful hadn't they? Why then are the dead rising again? Why do i feel am being haunted down by a little girl? What is going on...at this moment i am scared and frantic. I hate how i feel everything is dark the voices in my head are drowning me the cold air is piercing my skin and the outside feels more dangerous than where I am hiding.
I feel trapped like there is no escape in here. I can hear mocking laughter from the outside...harsh cold mocking voices telling me I am theirs and i could never escape even if I wanted to. Wait, aren't those the voices of my buddies? The ones i had dined with? The last time I had seen them was when the mysterious man had appeared. Why are they mocking and threatening me. Telling me they would devour me if they ever set their eyes on me again? Don't they know i am just as confused as they are...i didn't call for any of this disruption. What's going on here?

Tears start falling from my eyes and I sob uncontrollably crouching at the corner with fear and dread. I try harder to brush off the thought of the little girl but when i lift my face from the ground and stare ahead of me I see a small figure approaching me and I realized this was not a thought it was her in flesh and blood. She comes close to me and puts her gentle warm hands on me. At this point I didn't know if i should be more scared or just give in to her comfort so I look at her hoping her eyes would provide the answer i needed. She didn't look mad her eyes were full of light and hope and delight. Like she was happy to see me again. She hugs me so tightly and when her little hands wrap around my neck i come undone. I needed her comfort i needed her close to me her hair was falling wildly around my head as she hugged me. My little self. I realized how beautiful she felt when my hands wrapped around her small back in turn.  When i looked down at her feet she was barefoot,her eyes my God I can't stop speaking about her eyes because i have never seen anything like them....they were so full of joy her brown eyes lit up anytime she stared at me. This made me curious. I thought you were dead...i wondered quietly. I took great pleasure in making sure you were dead. My buddies told me you had to be dead for me to be the woman I was designed to be yet you don't look like you came from the graves where have you been? And as if she could read my thoughts she hugs me more tightly than before and sits right there on the floor beside me....like we last sat together years ago.

Exactly where i had left her. Again i see the man who I had seen earlier who I had escaped from. The starter of all this mess...haha. He was standing at the furthest corner staring at us. It felt like he had been standing there for a considerable amount of time. The little girl beside me saw the direction of my gaze and followed it. She didn't look surprised to see him in fact she giggles and I could see her eyes light up even brighter when she looked at him. It dawned on me they had been together and he had brought her to me when i needed her the most. No i didn't need a woman i had visualised myself to be i needed to be taken back to the little girl I once was and be there with her. That was where the real comfort was and he had known all along. This thought made me hold the little girl's hand more tightly. I had abandoned her yet she was never alone she was loved knew who loved her and her whole being radiated from his love....unlike me. She had been happier than I had been and as the man came closer to us the room was suddenly filled with light. I saw he was the light that the light came from him and the light illuminated the place i had been hiding in.The more he came closer the more i cried and wailed it wasn't pain nor was it joy. I am not even sure if I could call it love all I know is the closer he came the freer i felt. I felt a kind of freedom I hadn't felt in so long,i saw chains breaking from my feet i felt fire consume me again and i kid you not when i saw him...my body radiated from the light of his presence a weight was lifted off me i felt like a child seeing the world for the first time. The walls broke free.The voices that had been mocking me from outside went silent and out of my mouth came a wail of jubilation. I felt liberated from so many things. I got up and did what I should have done from the first time he had laid his eyes on me. I ran to his arms and hugged him tightly. I took the little girl with me. You know the sweetest thing is how his arms were wide open like we belonged there like that's where we had always belonged. As we hugged him i marvelled at the fact he found me. He came after me he knew what i needed before I knew or asked him and he didn't tell me who he was or why I needed him he just gave me room to see for myself and as I hugged him i knew I was finally home. I knew in my heart that this right here was love.

That sweet reader is my love story,oh its so long words couldn't tell you fully. Just know this, since i ran to him arms,i haven't left. Nothing else holds my stare but him. Beholding his face is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is so beautiful i could cry and I cherish every minute i am in his presence because it is glorious more than anything i have ever experienced or will ever experience....and he tells me our love story runs forever if only I abide in him there is no death that will keep us apart nothing on this earth or beyond. I am his and he is mine forever. He is the lover of my soul.

His name? Do you wonder what his name is? Okay i will tell you. You have probably heard it before numerous times. It probably sounds like a normal name to you but to me its not. It's the name of my prince the one who saved me the one who came to me and freed me who pursued me relentlessly. My life started with him so anytime I say his name my heart swells with so much love and joy because that's my king right there. His name is above all names am not talking about a random man one I met and fell for no... I am talking about the Lord of Lords the creator of the heaven and earth whom everything has been submitted under, the one with the final authority who judges the living and the dead everything even the demons that pretended to be my buddies he will judge them. Even me. I am talking about Jesus Christ the son of God! My Jesus says I am worthy to be loved and chosen, he chose me dragged the cross of my sin my shame my brokenness my pride my arrogance my fallen nature all the way to Calvary and died on it to get me back. He did everything he could suffered for me just to show me how worthy I am to be saved and he didn't save me because i am so righteous so lucky or deserving no he saved me because he didn't want to be separated from me eternally. It is by grace i have been saved.

That's how great his love is for me. He loves me he loves me he loves me. I don't doubt it. The cross and his salvation is a gift he gave me freely how precious is his name. So yes my love story is not all love and roses or glamour it's a story about pain. Its a story of a girl who was once lost but now she's found who was blind but now she sees. Its a love story beautifully written and crafted from a broken vessel ...a lost deceived vessel and the demons she once thought were buddies who promised to devour her are the same demons she has slain and keeps slaying with  a sharp double edged sword her king gave her. It doesn't end here...he showed her the crown that eagerly awaits her.

He promised he would keep her preserve her to the end of her race. That he will never leave her nor forsake her and that dear reader is what has kept their love blooming every single day. It didn't end with a hug. It will end with glory his glory so hallelujah to the king of kings and Lord of Lords!
Peace🕊️