On Time God

 Mennn...I always have a new title every single day whenever I think about my. article... depending on how I feel what's heavy on my heart and many other things...right this minute am just from listening to a nice deep emotional worship song called on time God by woman evolve and chandler Moore incase you want to listen to it and I wanted to call this article on time God...because that's how I feel right now I can't helping thinking about him and how many times he has showed up in my life just on time never too late just on time.

Anyway that aside,i have a heavy topic,heavy for me I wish I didn't have to post this...I wish it could remain in my archives  but I have to because God is always doing something new and I want my notes to be a reflection of that,to draw us closer to his presence and to want or rather hunger a deeper connection with him a personal revelation of our God our mighty father who lives in heaven and dwells in us...The only word I can use to describe what's been going on in my life emotionally for the past one week is deep...so deep I can't even grasp it I fear knowing how deep it can go yet the depth draws me closer to him who created me.

It's funny anytime I think am starting to get a grip of this season and handling it well something happens or my heart gets weary again and I start feeling more sadder than before...I don't know if am making sense but it frustrates me...I thought I was doing well I thought I got this at last why am I back to that defeated sad head space again why...The cycle frustrated me more than the season itself because I wanted to prove to myself and God that I was growing and maturing that am becoming more and more better when it came to handling situations and tough seasons...I wanted to show God that if you are with me I will bring my best foot forward I won't let you down...see,am a girl who loves power I love feeling powerful I love feeling in control...I love knowing I got this,I am that girl that woman...power is my middle name and anything that makes me feel powerless defeated or out of control literally takes me to my knees,I hate that so much...

This weekend my eyes were opened in such a profound way,I was listening to one sermon by Dr Anita Phillips menn I love my women and she wrote a book called the garden within...if you love me you could gift me this book as a birthday present in December anyway am kidding haha let's get back in line...she is a trauma therapist and a minister....i really don't know what drew me to that sermon but I felt drawn to listen to it...few minutes in I wished I didn't because our woman is a therapist and she was speaking about our emotions and how God wants us to feel things how he wants us to acknowledge our emotions and all...don't get me wrong I love her so much but I love the logical part of things not emotional...

I love being told you got this just do it,listen to your mind...that's my default...I am more comfortable listening to my mind and ignore my heart completely...God has been working on that part pray for your girl...or maybe you are like me,you struggle listening to your heart feeling your emotions and sitting with them maybe you still don't know how to sit and feel them how to blend your heart with your mind I know,I totally understand the struggle is real...the mind makes us feel more in control our heart makes us vulnerable  opens us up and makes us come undone and sometimes if we are truly honest with ourselves that makes us feel weak.We don't want to cry we want to take the bull by its horns and appear strong and in control not just in front of people but ourselves. 

Her sermon brought me to my knees,made me speechless and I didn't know what to do. When she talked about feeling our emotions and giving God our heart I thought to myself but I give God my heart I am vulnerable with him in fact I am more vulnerable with him than I am with anyone else even myself...and suddenly I remembered the darkest dustiest parts of my heart,the ones I wrote so much about, anytime I would write about pain those are the words I used to refer to my heart...the darkest dustiest parts,the ones no one knows about the ones I cover so well sometimes I too forget they exist...when she preached about seed banks and all the lies we take in as life moves on,the lies we believed  and slowly their seeds got stored in the banks of our heart...some were told by people around us,some life threw our way...

Suddenly we struggle thinking we are enough,that we matter that we are beautiful and lovable just as we are,that we are smart that we can make it and be anything we ever dreamed of becoming...that out gifts talents and skills matter on this earth that our situations are not permanent...suddenly we struggle trusting people because people abused your trust in the past and left behind a seed of betrayal growing in your heart,that interview or exam you failed left behind a seed of failure in your heart when the business failed when no one believed in you,the seed of am not enough am not smart took residence in your heart and you know where...the seed banks and as Dr Anita Phillips stated just when the atmosphere is right they start germinating...

We wonder why we struggle believing the truth,why the word of God cannot stick in our heart and shift us as we want it to...truth is it's being choked by the lies. The seed bank is so full of lies for the seeds of truth to take residence...in other words the garden is full of weeds...and we know what weeds do,how they take up all the nutrients from the plants and choke them.

This sermon made me reflect on so many things.I told God I know your word I read your word proclaim it and pray...I know it's the truth and I know it can combat the lies of the enemy...but God told me the lies are not from the enemy the lies are stored in the darkest dusty places of your heart...I give you word after word I show you time and time again you are not alone but because my word is being choked by the lies stored in your heart they don't take root as they should...I don't want you to proclaim my word and read it I want you to feel my words as you read it...I want you to come undone whenever you come to me I never created a strong warrior I created a human and put emotions in them so that I could have a deeper more intimate relationship with them I created you and made the heart because that's where life begins I want to reside in your heart I want to take residence in the deepest darkest parts of your heart I don't want you to play strong when you are weak I want you to cry when you are weak I don't want you to hide the dusty parts of your heart from me and present the pretty ones I want all of it every corner every part because the darkest and dustiest places is where your unbelief weariness doubt and insecurity is stored...that is where the lies are stored and the seeds are creating an atmosphere that makes you doubt over and over again that makes you lose your faith and trust in me...

The heart of a man...maybe I should name this article the heart of a man but honestly while I felt so convicted about this I didn't know where to start from...I just told God I give you my heart every part of it reside in it make me yours open me up God...and he did he opened me up,I came undone in ways I never thought possible...in my heart I still know I have a long way to go because as long as am alive,my heart is being renewed daily.

One thing I know for sure,one thing I know I can do when I don't know what to do when I don't know how to go about my emotions and numbing them seems the easy way out is to release my worship...for the past week I've been really in a bad head space...I tried to keep a brave face,to smile and proclaim my word but truth is deep down I wanted to cry till my throat hurts...you know that ugly wail...and sometimes numbing it seems like the easy way out because life has to move on days move on I need to stay strong and handle my own even when I don't have the strength to be strong ..maybe the strength I have is to live in a beach and float on the ocean all day everyday... but God told me I don't want you to be strong I don't want you to come to me strong...the world wants you to appear strong but I am not the world I am God I created you and put those emotions in you I created the heart and breathed my breathe in you because the heart lets me know what's going on in every part of you if you numb it you numb me,you limit me,you limit my power you limit my strength you cut short my connection with you,I need you to make room for my strength and power,let it make you perfect...I want a deeper connection with you come crying come wailing come doubting me come angry with me come afraid come with questions come happy come full of joy come however you are feeling because your emotions show me where you want me the most your heart opens you up... see I had to work on your willingness to be vulnerable because everything starts with the heart...the heart of a man.

I know we are so used to appearing strong in front of people and sometimes come to God wearing the same veil...but menn God has been opening me up and revealing areas in my heart he wants to reside...and I couldn't help thinking how I had hidden some parts thinking he won't approve,,,sometimes we want approval from him...like yes my daughter that's what I want to hear from you but God is a loving father and he says search my heart I want you to know me and seek my refuge...he wants us to come to him as we are every single time,with nothing covering us...when God made man in the garden of Eden,they stayed naked till they disobeyed God and ate from the forbidden tree.. the first thing they did was to cover themselves when they heard God's voice...maybe that's how it was always meant to be,naked and vulnerable before God,with nothing to cover or separate us...I pray that we desire to have this kind of relationship with him,that we open up and invite him to reside in our hearts...that he may search it and convict us...

May shame not keep us from connecting with him deeply,I know giving him our heart is the best thing we could ever do...choosing to listen to our emotions and believing he will always show up for us however we are because he is an on time God. Never too late never early just on time...I know if we can just take a minute and remember all the times he showed up just on time,just when we needed him the most how he shifted everything how his strength was made perfect how his power carried us through...oh the Bible gives us this revelation as well from Abraham to Moses to David to Elijah to Jesus many times in many ways...he will show up baby he will. Peace.