When Heaven is silent...

 Can I first start by saying am so full...I am back,I wrote the first sentence of this article earlier and had no idea what to write next...or maybe I did I just wanted to relish that moment because it was so beautiful so marvellous so intimate...thinking about it makes me giddy makes me fall in love with God even more...I have written so much about this season,how much it's stretching me to a point it feels like it's breaking me,I have written about it so many times but what I left out was I felt God was not speaking to me the way he always did in my past season...when I started this blog,I was afraid,I didn't want to because it made me vulnerable,I was used to being closed off,keeping my distance... technically am an extrovert a crazy one at that as long as the distance is well maintained...I love it that way,I take my time to open up to people,I take time to trust people but I do eventually...so this blogging thing didn't feel right...that season,God was really with me,always speaking to me,we are told God speaks in so many ways we can't put him in a box...but in that season I felt God mostly spoke in a small still voice because that's how I heard him mostly...the reassurance and comfort is what pushed me through...gave me the confidence and courage to obey his voice and accept his will for me...time went by and finally I was done with school...i can't say I was completely happy because I loved Eldoret I loved my friends I really don't have much at home...

But something else shifted during that transition,I stopped hearing God's voice the way I was used to,at first it felt weird,maybe am not reading his word like I used to,maybe am doing something wrong,I kept praying I wrote more but to no avail...yet I still felt his presence in my life,I knew he was there,in my spirit I felt I wasn't alone,I kept telling God to speak to me,that I missed hearing his sweet calm voice,but nothing came,still nothing...then I was thrust into this season that I am in,that I have written so much about,a season that felt like wilderness like a battlefield where the price of winning is my sanity joy and peace,I hated it at first,I hated everything about it,I was angry with God at first,I kept asking him why this,nothing looked like what he promised me,I felt alone,I thought I couldn't take it,I had nothing in me to take this season....

I was like God for once can I atleast be happy,...I think we can all admit we sometimes get dramatic with God,well I was...and then one random day I had this conviction in my heart that God wanted me to spend more time with him...at school it was easy I had all the time to do that but now,when am not working am sleeping...or using my phone...just the little morning prayers and the pent up notes I wrote throughout my day when I was not okay...at the back of my mind I kept wondering why I couldn't hear the voice of God he is here leading me,helping me guiding me through the holy spirit but there is this one thing i was used to that I was not getting now...I hated this season and missed the wild crazy girl that I was,bubbly and full of energy...I missed me so much...

I felt sad,I felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness,like a dark cloud dimming every light in me,I missed dancing,I missed feeling wild and free...I missed me...I started spending more time with God,I realized my screen time was not healthy and I was using my phone, social media movies and books to numb this overwhelming sadness...to escape my reality,my life right now...I told God about it and let me tell you'll...whenever I come back from work,I first take thirty minutes or so to read my word and spend time with God before using my phone, sometimes though I do it in a hurry whenever I have something exciting to watch or view...am always like let me do it fast then take my phone,I have to because if I don't I won't watch the movie or read my novel in peace. I created time to spend with God and read his word, because I realized how much I missed him,hearing his voice,his sweet voice that always calmed me and shifted things around,I knew in my heart that the morning prayer, morning devotion in the bus and little pent up notes were just not enough for me...yes they help me start my day right and invite God to renew me every morning yes writing helps me get things off my chest and submit them to God but I needed to spend quality time with him,alone no distractions just him and me...If the holy spirit stirred this hunger in me there must a reason behind it,there must be a purpose behind it and in every obedience there is a revelation...also besides that,this season was driving me nuts the peace and calmness of God felt like my anchor in the storm.. the more I seeked him the more I felt peaceful...oh I would speak about this forever but this is not why am here.

Am here to tell you something,last week on Friday I was having my morning devotion as usual,it is a devotional book with a verse for each day, honestly I am three months behind...still pushing though,I love my devotional book,the author is Joyce Meyer,It gives me a new thing to think about everyday,just one awesome book...that day the verse was Job 23:8 and it said when the Lord has tried me I shall come forth as gold...and then she went on and explained this verse but what captured my mind was when she said sometimes heaven is silent and we feel like we can't hear from God especially during trials...it intrigued me I had to read that verse again during my alone time after work...I remember thinking why not read the whole chapter 23...my oh my...

I am writing this one week after,that verse filled me up, propelled me,it spoke about not hearing God or seeing him,we know the story of Job and how he was tested how he suffered tremendously for many years,lost everything he had...menn that chapter spoke about him looking to the sides and not seeing God,looking for him everywhere and not perceiving or beholding him,and then he goes on to say but he knows the way that I take and when he has tried me I shall come forth as gold, because my foot had held fast to his steps and I have kept his way and not turned aside I have not departed from the commandment of his lips and have treasured the word of his mouth Job goes on to say God is unchangeable and no one can turn him what he says that he does and that God would complete what he had appointed for him and many such things are in his mind.

I am about to declare Job my new best friend in the Bible...this verse was really it...I remember reading it crying because nothing spoke to my predicament better than it,I felt heard...like the word was written purposely for me...so my friend also went through a moment where he couldn't see God or perceive him like he used to...he couldn't see God when he needed him the most during his trials afflictions and suffering...we all know how Job kept his faith and never turned aside from God through it all and how God blessed him...I love this chapter because it showed me how much Job longed to find God he knew he was the way the truth and the life he knew in him there was peace even when his life was a turmoil...and when he couldn't see God or perceive him he spoke about God and how he is unchangeable...how he will keep his commandment and treasure the word that came from the mouth of God how his feet will stand firm in the steps of God wherever he leads him...he said when he had tried him he shall come forth as gold,gold is the most treasured expensive mineral,yet rare,gold is rare...Job knew he will come forth refined as gold,so rare and priceless...he knew that what God had started in him he will complete it in his appointed time...

What intrigued me most is he spoke all this not when everything was good and relaxed...not when he had everything...when he could hear God or perceive what he was doing in his life...no he spoke this in suffering in pain when he felt alone and longed to find God because he couldn't see him,he spoke this when he had nothing,when afflictions had been his predicament...when he had lost everything he had...he spoke this when everything around him shouted you shouldn't,your God left you...can't you see?you should turn away from him and seek solace somewhere else...Job spoke this when nothing around him looked like it...

This verse came alive and opened my eyes because I felt I couldn't hear from God at a time when I really needed to hear his voice...I could see him moving,I could see his grace covering me but there was still this one thing my soul needed...I just had this hunger and craving to hear from him and know that he is here...he is with me and he is pleased with me...but this verse revealed to me the nature of God in such a profound way,like Job I was looking everywhere and not seeing him but will I still open my mouth and declare who God is...like Job will I treasure every word he has given me like Job will I stand firm in his steps and not depart from his ways,will I have faith and believe that when all this is done I will come forth refined matured and better than I ever was,will I believe that God tries me not because he doesn't love me or wants to see me going through the most but because he wants me to walk in the fullness of who he created me to be,he is holding a mirror showing me my potential who I am and the mirror is his word...will I worship him like Job and declare how good he is,how he is unchangeable and the same even when season changes will I declare and believe that he will complete what he started in me,that he knows the way that I take because he is the one ordering my steps...will I believe that my story does not end here,not in trial or suffering or self doubting but in victory that I will live to see the other side of my story in his appointed time...in my seasons will I trust and obey God no matter how hard they are,no matter how unhappy I am,or will my emotions get the best of me...to a point I forget the word or God and who he is...

I believe now that as children of God,called by him and washed by the blood of Jesus we know that Jesus died in the cross to pave way for us to know God for ourselves...that he gave us a helper who lives and dwells in us,the holy spirit who is meant to guide us...we are supposed to be led by the spirit not by our emotions...and this path of walking in the spirit helps us mature in our faith to a point we can understand and know that even if our circumstances are against us even if we are being stretched or tried our worship and praise to God still remains the same if not more...

That God is our God and he remains the same today and tomorrow and he knows the way that we take and when he is done trying us we shall come forth as gold,refined and matured...so even when heaven is silent and it seems we can't hear or perceive him may our worship become stronger than ever...like Job may we hold fast and treasure the word God gave us let it be our light during the dark times,let it be our anchor in the storm our shelter and where we find rest...let us stay with God and lay it all on his feet saying God teach me to declare who you are even in hard times mature me spiritually in a way that I can trust and put my faith in you knowing who I serve who I call my father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name the kingdom come on earth as it was in heaven...teach me to praise you Lord in the sincerity and truth of my praise to you,let my heart not grow weary but stronger when I call your name amidst afflictions or suffering let me worship you for who you are and not what you can do for me,I know you can turn things around in a flip of a finger but God I want to know what you had in mind when you allowed this to come my way,I want to be in tune with you,I want to obey every word that comes from your mouth even when I don't have the strength to,even when I doubt myself or you,even when I don't want to,I want to give you my all believing that in my weakness your strength will be made perfect... because just like Job I know I will come forth as gold,you will complete what you started in me and many such things are in your mind.

My dear reader I hope this word that God gave me will help you as it helped me,I hope it opens your eyes and shifts you,that we may not get caught up in our predicament or emotions to a point we forget who God is..let's remember to give God our worship and praise not because of what he had done or what he is going to do but because of who he is...he is a good God...after I had read this word that day I just went into a moment of worship,singing and praising my God my heart was so full I was full and happy...that's when I wrote the first sentence of this article.

I never posted it because I was not done writing it and I also felt it was too personal...I never wanted to share it until today...two weeks later,God told me what am doing to you is not supposed to remain in you,it's meant to flow through you,yes God gets the glory out of it each time I obey him but posting and obeying him is not doing him a favour...it shows I am accepting the mirror God has put before me,and in the mirror I can see who I am,who he has called me to be and I can be that person everytime I partner with him through my obedience...and the mirror is the word of God,I know many people may be wondering how can I hear the voice of God how do I discern the voice of God from my own voice or my emotions or the enemy's voice,why can't I hear the voice of God anymore...the voice of God is the word of God,read his word spend time with him intentionally pray and tell him to put this eternal hunger in you,tell God to renew your passion and love for him every single day....let's get closer to God my people this is why Jesus died on the cross and went through suffering this is why he came to us...for this same purpose...don't create an opening for the enemy through your own doubts about God and where he is, because like Job I have learnt and still learning that when I can't see him when heaven is silent I can still declare his word for my life and worship him because I know who he is and he is unchangeable...peace y'all. Please have a blessed day and read your word...

There is this song called The king will come yet I had to plug it because babyyyy...that's what this is about,please listen to it,I wish we could listen to it together...there is this part where she says I know I've come so far but got so far to go,and with this brand new scars and this broken heart its hard...to really know if there is a reason,and if I will ever see it,but I wanna believe it ..don't give up on me yet...

Am out!!!!