The Heart of a Servant

 It's another Thursday...days truly fly don't they?I really had no idea  what I would post and I also didn't want to stay still and write because frankly I felt I needed to recover...you know my last article was really vulnerable for me...so healing,,I needed time to grasp it,let it minister to me.. yet this week this title has been so heavy on my heart...so heavy I couldn't stop thinking about it...and it gave me so much peace...crazy enough yesterday I was reading a chapter in Mathew about conditions of discipleship...when Jesus was instructing his twelve disciples...and I felt this word strongly in my heart... probably because this title the heart of a servant has been so heavy in my heart all week...I think I woke up with it on Monday morning...and that word when Jesus was teaching about discipleship is a whole discussion on its own...

Since I started my blog most of my topics have been centered on self,self love self growth self relationship with God and that is so important for us as believers...yet when this word stuck in my mind..,it opened my eyes and shifted my perspective concerning this season that I am in...I viewed this season in such a different way...and slowly I started meditating on it,telling God about it...I wanted to know what he wanted me know because this word didn't just come from thin air,no it came from him...and God does things intentionally I knew I had to write about it...yet as usual didn't know where to start from...am still navigating it myself how can I write about it.

Let me tell you something when God gives you a word he will let it sink in your heart and spirit and suddenly everything around you will be directing you to that word you just can't hide from it or ignore it...so while I was assured I won't be able to write,everything made me want to get it down...starting from my favourite podcast to all the people I listen to...I couldn't shake off this hunger to come down here and write.

Frankly I've been writing this article for two weeks now...I wanted it to be up last week yet  had no idea what to write...you know sometimes I fear this gift,it makes me dig deep,it assembles all parts in me and opens me up...it wrecks me and gives me so much joy at the same time...I love who I am when I write I love the intimacy between my mind and words...I love how alive I feel anytime I write...but sometimes I doubt if God's grace is always with me,sometimes I think it's too much for me,sometimes I think am not qualified to write this,I don't have the proper language am not as good as the people I admire...maybe because I read alot of books and admire many authors to a point I can't help comparing myself with them...can I ever write this good,can I ever have a book,my own book,can I really write a whole book,it's one of my greatest dream y'all i cry anytime I think about it...as a matter of fact I may end up crying if I get deeper into this...but writing is one of my most special gifts...dare I say favourite well am not sure if you find me dancing i will probably say it's the gift I enjoy most too...haha...I was sad my article won't be out last week,I was more sad on the fact I had such a heavy topic yet no words to put it down...though I was adamant on not questioning God whether he was really in it,in this gift he gave me...part of me still doubted whether he was with me...why am I struggling to write...why won't it flow naturally like it always did...why do I feel inspired yet anytime I take out my phone to write words vanish into thin air and am left questioning whether I truly got this...why...I know God I said no more questioning you am trusting you fully but this is breaking my heart...am really sad...I ended up making a firm decision...a good decision I thought...to take a two weeks break and figure myself out,sit with myself and God and reflect...just take a break...a break is good for the soul they say....

Today though...it's Tuesday evening...I was reading my Bible the book of Mathew...the same day I had made my good decision...and I remember praying so strongly for the spirit of God to come sit with me as I read my Bible...I always pray before reading but today the urgency in my heart was so great...I prayed and read my book,just one chapter....I don't know if all writers are like me but am attracted to words, especially manual words....words always take me to another realm....the story was about Jesus feeding the five thousand...and Jesus walking on water...when I was done I smiled reflecting on the five thousand people Jesus fed...he fed them and twelve baskets of leftovers remained...I told God wow I love how you always multiply anything from not enough to more than enough...I think your telling me to trust you with the little I have...there and then I remember a voice in me saying trust me with your writing...trust me and give it to me no matter how little you think it is...my smile was gone that instant and immediately I remembered how much am struggling to write and finish my article...the struggle and the sadness that came with it...I cried...I cried because I love who I am when I write,I cried because there is nothing I could love as much as I love every word I put down no matter how little... because that's how I can feel my soul... through words...and I read that word again because in my heart I knew I couldn't give up on this,how could I...who would I be if I don't write...not just an article but my notes,my little drafts...I would be so disconnected from my soul,so disconnected from my core...and I knew right there and then I would fight if I had to but I would not stop...I won't....I read the word again this time  keenly...silently....as the disciples told Jesus to chase the crowd away since the day was over so that they could go and eat in the village...as they were in a lonely place far from the village...but Jesus told his disciples to give them something to eat...the disciples had only five loaves of bread and two fish...and Jesus told them to bring it to him which he then took,looked up to heaven blessed broke and gave the disciples to share among the crowd...a crowd of five thousand...

I know your wondering why am narrating it,it's so special and tugging my heart right now I had to...go read it please...Mathew chapter 14....Jesus never sent the crowd away before feeding them...he knew they were hungry too...and when his disciples told him only five loaves and two fish was present he believed that was more than enough to feed the crowd... Jesus once  said man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that comes out from the mouth of God...wow...he knew where the food would come from...he who created it...just a word from him and multiplication would take place...when he looked up to heaven and broke the bread...I kept wondering where the miracle took place...did he break it so many times or did it multiply in the basket so that when the disciples gave the crowd...more still remained.. where specifically did the miracle take place...but now I recognize the miracle happened when Jesus took the five loaves and two fish the miracle happened when he had a divine collaboration with his father in heaven...a miracle was as a result of his belief faith and partnership with God and I know this verse is mostly connected with multiplication of everything we trust God with...menn that's what he told me but as I write this I can't help thinking how much I was fixated on the gift my gift that I forgot the source...I forgot that when he trusted me with it,commissioned me into purpose he knew multiplication would take place...would take place through our collaboration and partnership my belief will be tested and developed to a point I can trust look up to heaven and seek his hand,his heart and his spirit...trust that before I had even prayed about it I had already received...it was done for me....he fed his crowd....he gave the baskets to the disciples after blessing it and the disciples fed the crowd... something special stands out for me I hope it stands out for you...Jesus gave way for his disciples to be part and parcel of this miracle and divine collaboration...the same hands that gave him two fish and five loaves were the same hands that fed the crowd..and saw twelves baskets remaining....he partnered with them from the onset,they were not bystanders in this miracle....he showed them what was possible through God and faith...i think of it as a sequence...from the boy with the loaves to the disciples to Jesus to God to Jesus again then to the disciples and finally the crowd...let no one lie to you Jesus can't hear or intercede for you,let no thought from the enemy deter this truth,nothing is little to him...am here to remind you he is one call away...that no one goes to the father except through him and that which is little..not enough...he is telling you to give it to him..just give it to him and let him take it to his father intercede for you and bless it...let his hands and heart go through you..and everything you think is little bad or damaged in you...

If there is one thing I would want you to get from my story...how I have struggled understanding my gift,grow in it and letting it develop me is God is enough...God is enough for us..and when he touches it,when he lays his hands on you and everything that's you...you will be more than enough..you will flow in the overflow of his grace and provision...he will propel you...I think of any gift or talent as God's call to excellence...many people think it's fairytale having a particular gift talent or skill...some even think it's easy... lucky...yet I know it can never be easy...a call to excellence is never an easy call for any person because God is always calling us deeper,calling a higher version of who we are not at that particular point...it's never about what you can do but who you are...God cares more about our heart than our hands...our character more than our gifts talents money skills beauty and everything...because he knows when he calls you to excellence...he is calling you in the waters and there in the water he will develop you in a way only the spirit can...everytime I think about my gift and how overwhelming it makes me feel sometimes...it's not even the overwhelming part it's always the fact it opens me up,it takes me deeper it makes me a different person...always tagging my mind my heart  in ways I can't grasp on my own only through God,only in him can I grasp it...

It's like a candy bait which a father may use to make a child eat his food...he knows the food is healthy and good for the child but the child must trust him to eat the food and finally have the candy...that is just my crazy analogy...maybe God knows we would never develop the good character on our own inhibition...it will need some drive from him...a vision about our future...a strong tugging in our heart that makes us run to him and let him develop us inorder to live in the manifestation of his promise to us....to us the process is always longer, sometimes we even think unnecessary...why can't I have the short cut and get there.....why can't I get the job already,the husband already the money already the article already,the friends already...it's all this even necessary...

Maybe like me God is teaching you to trust him with the little you have...to take the step of faith,step on the water and this time have your eyes fixed on him,search for him and not the destination or the promises to look at him and give him all that is yours...believing he will multiply it for you and teach you stewardship...to be in partnership with him so that when he blesses you he will bless you so abundantly that many people will benefit from your multiplication your belief your collaboration with God...that it may overflow in abundance....maybe we were called not only to live our purpose but also to serve our purpose on this earth through Jesus Christ...that we may  give him what we have and let him multiply it for our good...for the people connected to your miracle...for the people waiting on God for a miracle that will come to pass through you...the heart of a servant is what am writing about.Peace🤍