For How Long...

 For how long...for how long will it take...for how long will I be like this...that's my title that's where am at let's say...I have my own personal note concerning this because it's been so convicting...when I think about it,it wrecks me,makes me sad actually...I  know your wondering where this is going...we will get there don't worry but first let me tell you how my week has been...it's been hard for me mentally,this season that I am in,the space I am in feels like a wilderness,feels like a test frankly and I thought it was,I felt it was a test and I remember when I finally grasped this concept I was like you know what God I will pass it,I will go through it and let you work on me...but along the journey the going got tougher,in my last article I wrote about faith,where feet may fail us because that's how I felt,I felt I couldn't walk,like I was thrust into something I wasn't ready for,so unqualified for,where I felt like a foreigner and everyday I kept asking God why..why this...and I remember writing that article i felt strongly in my heart that I was in a season that was testing me...developing my character trust and dependence on God.

I told God okay I will do this,I will walk let go of my stress and let you have it,have me...but the more challenges I faced,the bad days,the days I remembered what I loved doing...days I couldn't see how things are working out for me,i couldn't keep up,my faith felt weaker,like I was fighting to stay afloat and not sink, that's why I never posted last week I was not in a good place,I was struggling to take a day at a time to let God have it and as much as I read my Bible meditated on the word I still couldn't get over these emotions,by the time the week was coming to an end I told God I am done,I am wrapping this up am sorry...I am not your strong soldier anymore,I am tired of always fighting I want this to end I can't do this I just can't.

I felt angry that God had thrust me into a season...a space before preparing me beforehand and now it feels like some wilderness....and anytime am sad I really write,one thing I learnt is letting God in on how I feel,sitting with him and coming to him as I am in my messy emotions,I want to sit with him be vulnerable with him and let his spirit fill me up,this makes me feel better,the peace and assurance I get in this moments always feel like water in the desert,it takes me through every single day honestly...today though I was listening to a powerful sermon and it really wrecked me,you can check it out...it's a sermon by Stephanie Ike called loved for a reason...I really believe in surrounding ourselves with a community of believers,people similar to you or what's inside you...being part of a community that helps you,grows you and makes you a better person,I believe human beings have an innate need of belonging and connection...we need to be part of something that gives us a sense of connection...I love communities well now I do,I never did to be honest and I dream of building a community of readers,people who want to grow know and believe that God is real,here and so loving to us...anyway she talked about the love of God and how the depth of God's love makes us understand the fullness of who he is once we comprehend his love...when she read the verse about Jesus being baptized and the voice of the Lord saying this is his beloved son to whom he is well pleased I thought it was cute,you know when you read a verse and only understand the surface level...

That's how I felt,like yeah God loves us but the more she preached about it the more it sank in my spirit that God's love is meant to commission us,to show us the fullness of who he is because God is love and when we comprehend how much he loves us,when we have a deeper revelation of his love for us, individually,we are not meant to remain the same,it is meant to shift something in our spirit,to create a gateway for his holy spirit to come dwell in us and develop us...it is meant to draw us closer to him through an intimate relationship with the holy spirit,we start having this innate desire to know Jesus more and move like him,be with him because a desire a spiritual hunger was activated through an understanding of God's love for us...it is not meant to leave us the same...I now understand that when God said he loved the world so much that he gave us his only son,he did it in love for his creation...he wanted a deeper more intimate relationship with us and this could only happen if his son could come down to earth take up the human form die on the cross and resurrect on the third day,to rejoin us with our father...it's just so deep and am still understanding this because it feels like a mystery,a beautiful mystery nothing of this world yet for this world,for God's children...it feels like the more we dig deeper into God's word the more we understand just how much he loves us,his nature is revealed to us through his word and it is revealed in bits according to our human capacity...I love that God defeated death on the cross because he freed us he set us free from any bondage even death itself and gave us life in exchange of death,life through his son Jesus Christ ooh I feel like preaching... haha maybe that's why we sing at the cross where we first so the light...because that's where we truly saw the light...we were in darkness the world is still in darkness yet Jesus is the light the eternal everlasting light for humanity our gateway to eternity...

I remember thinking how this season has made me question God so much, especially any time a problem arises...all the things I've been through came back,flooded my mind and I just didn't know how to remain positive that God got me...when it felt like am always fighting one battle after another one problem after another...one day my faith is on fire am looking at Jesus and feeling strongly in my heart I will be fine the next day I can't take it any more I get back to complaining and my heart becomes weary...I was sad honestly because yes God speaks to me even in my down times,he sits with me and encourages me but one question that lingered in my mind was this...for how long will I be like this,for how long will I stay in this loop where  one day am full of faith and trusting my God and the next day the moment a problem arises am already questioning God telling him I can't do it anymore...for how long will my trust in God be dependent on my day ,my season ,life outcomes and my emotions..when will I truly and fully trust the heart of God because I know who he is and he is eternal the same yesterday today and tomorrow...when will I let God develop my faith and work on my heart while still trusting him...when will I say though he slays me yet shall I trust in him and be confident in my words...For how long will I let my trust and faith remain fragile when God wants to grow it,make it better and firmer everyday...even if it has to go through fire and storms,because fighting battles and seeing God deliver me made me believe in him so why won't I let this belief be rooted deeper in me...to a point the enemy cannot shake my faith in God because he knows this daughter knows her God,I can't play around with her...for how long will I compromise my faith,conform in order to fit in...these questions literally made me sorrowful and sad that God had stood by me all along and even when these questions bombarded my mind he was still here telling me this is what I wanted, everything you have been through was leading up to this moment,I want my love for you to make you hunger for me so deeply that the hunger transforms you,develops you,I am who I say I am and I created you to be a change maker,your little faith,little belief is coming in between me and what's possible through you,i want my spirit to flow through you and for it to flow I need your utmost trust and faith in me,I need you to believe it is possible I need you to look at the raging storm the wilderness and still speak victory over your life still believe I got you and I won't leave you,I will transform you,I know you I know what is capable through you because I created you,you have no idea,you see the problems the despair but I see revelation...my revelation coming alive through you...

God wants to use us,he wants to work through us but it's not our gifts or talents or beauty or skills that make us different...it's our character..he needs to trust the weight of his glory through us and he can only trust us when we are tested...Jesus went from being baptized to fasting in the wilderness where he was tested by the devil,mind you it is written the holy spirit led him to the wilderness...and when he passed the test the holy spirit was with him as he started his ministry on this earth..the holy spirit was always with him...God gave us talents gifts,he made each one of us a masterpiece yet our character only rests in the hands of the holy spirit because he is our helper,he is meant to develop our character,our character is what sustains God's glory,the weight of his glory,nothing else...the holy spirit is our helper our guide our teacher..I don't know about you but for me things such as patience do not come naturally infact many things,it's funny the more we learn to lean on the holy spirit invite him in and submit to his will for us,the more we realize just how flawed we are as human beings,how much we need God and that's what God wants,he wants us to decrease and let him increase us...he wants his spirit to flow through us...am happy you know,am happy because these questions wrecked me in the most beautiful awakening way,they showed me areas I needed to invite the spirit of God more,they showed me areas I was conforming instead of speaking God's word upon,areas am shrinking and hiding in the name of many things such as fear doubt and insecurity....they opened me up in a such a wonderful way and I really don't want to answer them one time,I want to  answer them all the time,because the answers draw me closer to God everyday a fresh...wow! Peace my people!🌼