Search My Heart

 Its a Thursday,a cloudy Thursday to be specific...as cloudy as my mind maybe,am a plan kind of person,I love planning my day and week,do what I need to do when I need to do,it makes me feel in control and maybe that's how I nurture discipline...but this week I've been feeling so disoriented from my normal routine,I keep postponing what needs to be done, I know I need to do this, do that,I need to write my next article but my mind is just blank I don't know what to write...these clothes need to be washed,I need to dance finish up my new choreography,write my project,how many weeks to exam and I still don't know some of my units😅!oh God I need a plan!a plan!I need a structure I can follow to achieve all my to do list... Well I wish clothes could wash themselves and I was a genius but that's besides the point.

When i saw Thursday was fast approaching I started telling God I need an article I need you to deposit something in my spirit,I need your help,you called me to do this and I can't do it on my own because I don't know how,I feel so disoriented...am that kind of person who must achieve something I had set in my mind otherwise I can't stay calm,it will disturb me and take my peace...am learning not to tie so much of myself based on my productivity but it's a struggle nonetheless...anyway if you're still wondering what today's topic is I'll just be honest,nothing... yeah..but stay put am an amazing story teller,well I think so 😅 you'll get a hung of it eventually... 

I believed God will deposit something in me and waited....yesterday I was listening to my favourite podcast,chilling knowing all the things I should do but have no energy to do...amazingly the topic was about waiting on God....let me take this moment to plug generation one podcast,it's amazing...the wisdom, openness, knowledge and vulnerability in this podcast is just phenomenal...one of the guys talked about doing what we know we need to do and doing it consistently despite how we feel about it,staying rooted in it whether I can see the results or not,whether I doubt it or not whether I feel like doing it or not... Doing it consistently... consistently is the key word...I learnt this word in my dance journey,never knew I had to apply it all round.. I told God I believe tomorrow I'll have something uploaded on my blog,no matter how small,i will not postpone it till next week i must show up despite how disoriented and empty I feel,give me a word,give me something only you can give me...God told me,I want you to search my heart,I want you to seek me,not what am capable of giving you,not a word to write about,not language,search my heart,I want you to seek me.

Honestly,I was dumbfounded...it hit me I was more concerned on achieving my goal and mark it off my week's to do list so much that I didn't care who gave me this gift,i was lost in my quest for discipline and consistency...my heart was not in the right posture,you know sometimes our gifts consume us and though we still seek God to do it right,though we still want to achieve what he called us to do in spirit,not based on our own might or power,we might come to a place where we seek God for all the things he is doing for us and not who he is,we worship him because he blesses us and answers our prayers not because he is God hence deserves all the honour and praise...it becomes a give take relationship...and when we don't get what we prayed for we automatically think he forgot us or neglected us...but he is God,he is always doing something new, sometimes we may perceive it sometimes we don't, sometimes nothing looks like it but he is always at work in our lives,and if we don't seek God's heart the enemy will take this opportunity to plant a seed of doubt,is God really here just take a look at your life,your problems, of course you're alone,you are not qualified to do it,doubt then leads to unbelief,mistrust. We forget God is no man that he shall lie,no word he speaks is void. If you don't believe me go read the creation story,go read your Bible, God's love letters to you.

I really don't have a topic because God didn't give me one,he gave me a lesson...I know this gift, everything I write speaks more to me before I even publish it..and I don't want it to be more about discipline,showing up,ticking something off more than it's about spiritual nourishment for me, mental growth and elevation...i want this to be just as intimate for me as it was before I made it public,to be my safe haven where I can communicate as I always did...and maybe seeking God's heart is how I can maintain the authenticity of my gift...I don't have a topic but I hope this speaks to your heart as it spoke to mine,am still in that mental space and I want to dig more about it,I hope you do too...have a blessed week and an amazing fun weekend. Peace 🌼